A life of fear, is a life half lived...

Sometimes it takes someone to say it bluntly to help you see things in a new perspective, sometimes you could do without it. Sometimes I wish someone would understand how I felt and agree with me but help me all at the same time.

So I'm this confident person when I'm in a group, when I meet new people and know at least one person. But when I'm in a situation where everyone knows each other and I'm the newbie, I can't help but struggle. I fall through the cracks unless someone helps me and I just disappear until someone spurs me on.

I know part of being an adult is "sucking it up" and getting on with it. I will go and it'll be awkward it'll be painful (as I've said before) but I don't think anyone realises how much of my life is ruled by fear and how many times I've tried to free myself from it. I know that fear is the start of a long downward spiral to nowhere good but I can't help it. It presses itself on me like a thousand bricks to my chest and makes me feel breathless and ill.

My fears:

• Meeting new people (especially when they all know each other)
• Being a failiure-to this day I still feel like I've failed with things that were meant to be.
• Driving Test
• All things new-I love doing new things, just in a comfortable environment where there is a safety net or some sort of comfort zone nearby.
• People's expectations or thoughts about me-not the way I look or the way I act, but something deeper than that, it's different. And I want to live up to MY expectations as well as everyone else's and I rarely do.
• I fear looking back and being annoyed at myself for not doing something, or making the wrong decision (even if something good came out of it).
• Phones etc-I always feel like I'm taking up people's time and that I'm disturbing them (same with msn)
• Being vulnerable

I have never been more grateful to God then for the friends I have made. Whether you believe it or not and whether its cheesey or not, I don't think I actually care! .

So I guess where earlier I couldn't put my finger on my problem/thoughts/feelings I just did. Lets get back to smiling.