Urban vs. Rural.

The older I get the more I see the world in plain sight, the situations that were once made blind to me are now visible.

The tension I can longer be blind and unfeeling to, I see it and I feel it in my gut, in my heart.

The joys of Christmas this year, began to be consumed/engulfed with the negative. My family (my father's(extended)side) appear to get gradually worse each year, and whereas for most of my life I've been oblivious to the situations behind the scenes, I witnessed an event that although comical perhaps in hindsight, at the time made me feel sick and ashamed. The event that took place, doesn't need the particulars mentioned but brought up past events and showed me that I'm growing up.

I can no longer be as protected from reality as perhaps once I was able to shielded. I see that in my family (this extended family) this desperation to succeed and to protect, even if it means squeezing away the precious opportunities my cousins may have at having a life.

I begin to pity my cousin now, for the lack of life he appears to have and the steady trap he appears to be falling into. I pity the fact that he is isolated in his own extended family and goodness knows that school must be a similar situation, for in the nicest possible way, his social skills and idiosyncrasies are difficult and awkward. But he's far too wrapped up in cotton wool to even step up and see the real world.

On the reverse and the other end of the strange scale my family sits on...Being at my Aunties in a quiet country village is the blissful escape, that no-one could possibly deny is good. The sheer peace that falls upon this house is beautiful, the feeling that time is slower here, yet faster also, allowing extra time for reflection and reading etc. I feel like I may have grown here, analysing aspects of my life that back in the urban backdrop of London is virtually an impossibility. For life seems faster there, people seem more stressed and to be more numerous and noise is everywhere.

Ahh if only one could slow time or stop it, so that I could read and relax and walk and admire for longer, it would be better. As it is it is past midnight and I need to sleep soon. My body clock is still screwed up evidently.

However far north, south or wherever you hide yourself, drama appears to find you every time. Uni life is not on hold apparently, as the drama that I thought I had left there still manage to find their way to my life in the comfort zone...home. But it doesn't involve me, which is good. But it involves me to the extent that I want to give advice and be a listening ear and a theoretical punch bag to throw words, thoughts and the odd metaphorical punch at. I do like being there for people, rather than in the drama!

But as always peace and tranquility can and will never last, until that blissful day that I go to heaven...a thoroughly undeserved place might I add. Tomorrow (or should I say today?As it is 1am) I will go back to my urban dwelling and feel the pressures of urban life-driving test particularly, a thing that haunts my thoughts every night and makes me feel sick.

Urban life is more complicated!! I want a house in the country with a window seat looking out onto a beautiful landscape that is just BURSTING with God's creation. And of course to live...

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

I don't think I could be completely content with doing nothing in life though.