Here's to the future...

Rather fittingly (it being New Year's Day and all) this blog is about the future, 2009.

New Year's is the time to make resolutions you'll never keep, to reflect on the past year, to look forward to the year ahead.

Tonight was a good night, last year's New Year's was spent with one foot in the world and one foot out, me trying to straddle the line of Christianity and non-Christianity and pull it off-doesn't work. (Tonight:) I spoke to the people I wanted to speak to, got to know people better than before and saw new sides to them. (all good) I made new rational decisions and assumptions! And most importantly had a pretty good time.

Going into this new year, I will do what I failed to do last year but have done every other year previous, set myself yearly targets/goals, aims if you will for the coming year. So that when I look back on the year gone, I can see what I have achieved. I have one for life too, that carries on through the years. When my legs hurt less and the time is less ridiculous I will think of the aims and put them up.

Here's to the future, 2009 and a new year of blogging!

My God is awesome God...

My God is an awesome God. Why? Oh, there are so many reasons!

One of which is the fact that he loves me despite how unworthy I am, He was with me in my driving lesson today, a thing that I get nervous and worry about often, no surprise there really. Today I had the courage to let it be moved forward half an hour earlier. To you, reader (whoever you are) that may not seem a big deal, but to me, the writer, I'd normally be the one delaying it, because I'm scared and nervous.

Something was different today, I tried. Really tried. I do normally try but this time I persevered, if I couldn't do it, I'd try and think about it, try again. And I did well, better than usual, tackled things differently, didn't give up, didn't stop. And for that I can thank God, because He was with me and answered my ridiculous prayer, He gave me confidence and it is to Him that all my success of today goes to. Hallelujah!

Urban vs. Rural.

The older I get the more I see the world in plain sight, the situations that were once made blind to me are now visible.

The tension I can longer be blind and unfeeling to, I see it and I feel it in my gut, in my heart.

The joys of Christmas this year, began to be consumed/engulfed with the negative. My family (my father's(extended)side) appear to get gradually worse each year, and whereas for most of my life I've been oblivious to the situations behind the scenes, I witnessed an event that although comical perhaps in hindsight, at the time made me feel sick and ashamed. The event that took place, doesn't need the particulars mentioned but brought up past events and showed me that I'm growing up.

I can no longer be as protected from reality as perhaps once I was able to shielded. I see that in my family (this extended family) this desperation to succeed and to protect, even if it means squeezing away the precious opportunities my cousins may have at having a life.

I begin to pity my cousin now, for the lack of life he appears to have and the steady trap he appears to be falling into. I pity the fact that he is isolated in his own extended family and goodness knows that school must be a similar situation, for in the nicest possible way, his social skills and idiosyncrasies are difficult and awkward. But he's far too wrapped up in cotton wool to even step up and see the real world.

On the reverse and the other end of the strange scale my family sits on...Being at my Aunties in a quiet country village is the blissful escape, that no-one could possibly deny is good. The sheer peace that falls upon this house is beautiful, the feeling that time is slower here, yet faster also, allowing extra time for reflection and reading etc. I feel like I may have grown here, analysing aspects of my life that back in the urban backdrop of London is virtually an impossibility. For life seems faster there, people seem more stressed and to be more numerous and noise is everywhere.

Ahh if only one could slow time or stop it, so that I could read and relax and walk and admire for longer, it would be better. As it is it is past midnight and I need to sleep soon. My body clock is still screwed up evidently.

However far north, south or wherever you hide yourself, drama appears to find you every time. Uni life is not on hold apparently, as the drama that I thought I had left there still manage to find their way to my life in the comfort zone...home. But it doesn't involve me, which is good. But it involves me to the extent that I want to give advice and be a listening ear and a theoretical punch bag to throw words, thoughts and the odd metaphorical punch at. I do like being there for people, rather than in the drama!

But as always peace and tranquility can and will never last, until that blissful day that I go to heaven...a thoroughly undeserved place might I add. Tomorrow (or should I say today?As it is 1am) I will go back to my urban dwelling and feel the pressures of urban life-driving test particularly, a thing that haunts my thoughts every night and makes me feel sick.

Urban life is more complicated!! I want a house in the country with a window seat looking out onto a beautiful landscape that is just BURSTING with God's creation. And of course to live...

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

I don't think I could be completely content with doing nothing in life though.

That feeling of magic...

There's something magical about baptisms, whether it's the sense and excitement of a new beginning or whether it's the general atmosphere and the joy that the people have in getting baptised.

It was an emotional time today, people telling of struggles they've gone through and the presence of God being the thing that got them through. What an awesome God we have, it's so touching to see people put all their trust in him, a daunting prospect for many I'm sure.

The feeling I get every time I see somebody get baptised is indescribable, my eyes well up and the butterflies rise up inside of me, always. Wish I could have my time again.

Been a fantastic day though, the magic of baptism, the quality time spent with family and the laughs that come with it and also the time spent with friends at the pub.

And tomorrow, I'm off to London...on my own! Shock horror, never been on my own-how sad is that? But I like new challenges, well mostly.

Homesick no.2....

Want to go home.

Now.

Take me home now.

So yeah, cried down the phone to my mother, she prayed for me-made me cry some more. Will be staying until Thursday now, need to go to my lectures on Thurs...be motivated!

Ahh I miss everyone so much, wish I didn't have to stay here.

*sigh*

Top things off I nearly passed out last night...felt sick, had a temperature, got the shakes but all is over now, being ill away from home is tough. I felt awful and so terrible, emotionally drained.

But alas, another night has gone by and now another day (I write now on 9th) and soon it'll be off to the old homestead and I cannot wait for it-although I feel weak, physically and emotionally.

Went for a walk through the cathedral today...ahh so beautiful, so simple the little courtyard and the growing vines but beautiful nevertheless. More and more I fall in love with the natural areas of Canterbury, like the walk beside the river or that very courtyard and the cathedral. Ahh how I miss nature, I can't wait to get back home and walk through Foots Cray Meadows/Five Arches and sit under the willow tree and be hidden from all.

God is everywhere and in nature I feel it all the more. Sweet relief.

Homesick...

Ahhhh time to go home soon...
I'm hoping on Wednesday to go back home but it looks like it's likely to be Thursday now. I know that as soon as I'm back there, I'll wish that I was here again with all my uni family, I know that for some of the time that I'm away I'll be racked with curiosity and jealousy as to who's keeping up with who!!

Talking of next year...
Off to see a house soon, I'm praying that it'll be the house for us-in a good location, a nice modern place that's practically perfect for us. I have basically 2 days to find somewhere to live next year, because I want to get it sorted before I go away for Christmas. I hope that we walk into this place and it just 'feels right'.
Housing is one of the things I have to admit I'm worried about, everyone is finding places and where we've tried to get organised one of us has said its too early to look and another hasn't been off at the same time as me and vice versa. CRAZINESS!

...

Thursday night it is...Tim's on call ALL week. Crap.

All GREAT things must come to an end (at least for this year)...

All great things must come to an end...
And sadly for 2008 the ASDA trips have ceased. Our home away from home, our shelter and our confident-ASDA.
Our refuge, to rant, rave and scream. Sitting on the floor to take a breather and make a ridiculous point.
The ASDA with Lorraine and the ASDA worker who said "F*** 'em all!"
The ASDA that heard all our problems, promises and predicaments and didn't tell a soul and still won't to this day.

ASDA...we love you.

Goodbye ASDA for 2008.

Anna and Kirsty.

Goodbyes...

Ahhh, another day.
Today's revelation...Life is hard.

Life is full of people coming and going, whether they stay for just an hour, a day or whether they're a "permanent" fixture you just can't cope without.

Nothing is permanent in this world, in this life.

Life is short.

None of these are new revelations.

One by one our group is leaving and little by little I grow sadder, more inward looking. My flat is empty and the sound of silence although nice at times is crushing also. Give way for some poetic licence please.

The weekend and the week to follow are going to be hard, all the people I love so dearly and see so often will be gone.

An emotional rollercoaster this university malarky!

On a high...got a 2:1 in my American Lit essay-no surprises I found something to be disappointed in it! But I have to remind myself, that in my strife to be extraordinary it takes a hell of a lot of ordinary steps to get there. And at the end of the day, why should I try to achieve such a selfish goal as extra-ordinariness?

Sleep is pressing heavy on my eyes and with a brain full of burdens it's pretty safe to assume I'll fall asleep soon-up early to say goodbye to one more, then another on the way back and then later the ultimate gut wrencher...the last one but by NO means the least.