Desiring God, John Piper

So its Boxing Day, what to do, what to do...Read Desiring God, John Piper. I didn't get very far before I was challenged and had to think seriously about the statement written.

The chief end of God is to glorify God and enjoy himself forever.

WOW, second sentence in and I don't quite know what to make of it! Its an interesting statement, it may not seem particularly profound to you, but look at it again and think about it.

The chief end of God is to glorify God and enjoy himself forever.

Fresh Revelations of God's Love...

One thing that really hit home over the w/e was God's love. It was a constant theme in each worship session and in my quiet times I was constantly reminded about.

On the last day our last worship session was filled with a real sense of the holy spirit and the room flooded with a true sense of joy at God's love. The only thing I could keep saying and realising is how ridiculous God's love is.

It is the most ridiculous and absurd love this world will ever know.

We're so unworthy and yet this amazing God who is all powerful and incredible, loves us!? Go figure. I can't comprehend, and nor do I think any of us can. Reading Isaiah this morning-we were cut off from God because of our sin

"The Lord is not too weak to save you, and he is not becoming deaf. He can hear you when you call. But there is a problem - your sins have cut you off from God." Isaiah 59:1-2

So what does He do? He sends Jesus to solve that problem. Hang on? If I were in that position, being a selfish human and all, I'd just destroy the whole race-Problem Solved. But no, this amazing, compassionate, loving God sent His only son, to die the most horrendous death. Not just because it was a gruesome crucifixion, but because He bore all the pain and suffering of our sins, every impure thought, every murder, every disgusting sin was impressed onto His fragile body, until His Father could no longer even look at Him. He felt more alone than anyone will ever feel and that's to save me? Personally, I don't think I'm worth that. I'd like to see anyone try and justify that they were.

How ridiculous is that?!

A great BIG, perfect God loves me! What have I ever done for Him? Or what will I ever do that will warrant this kind of love!?

This love is so amazing, I want to be constantly reminded of it, constantly impressed by it, taken aback and have it firmly stamped on my heart. I want there to be continual moments in my day where I just have to stop 'cos I'm hit by this incredible love. Daily fresh revelations of God's love is what I'm praying for.

Quit day dreaming and start being awestruck by this incredible love that God has for you.

Student and 20's w/e away-Love:Intimacy...

So Friday 20th November, I hopped on a train back home, thoroughly excited and expectant for the following w/e with my hometown Students and 20's group. I love a good, peaceful (non-London) train journey, gives one time to reflect, get pensive and even read, if the thoughts get a little sparse!

Needless to say by the time we'd arrived I had high expectations and was very excited. To be honest it didn't meet my expectations, (by this point you're expecting me to say "it was better"-but that's cheesy) at least not in the way I expected. I purposely didn't want to limit God and expect Him to meet with us like every other meeting etc. I wanted to think as openly and vaguely as possible, because lets face it God is a great big God full of amazing creativity, so I was thinking broad-He could do anything! And not too shockingly, God surprised me! When doesn't He?! As if God could ever been labelled as predictable!

God met with us and definitely challenged me right through the day, even now as I'm back in my uni home the challenging continues. Whether it be from the pressing questions of how can I gain further intimacy with God and am I truly taking up my daily cross and if not, how can I? or whether it be from the personal challenges I'm facing.

God didn't meet with me and others like I expected, what I have found is that, everything learnt over the w/e is so relevant to my life here and that I'm actually going to see fruit from putting what I learnt into action, instead of looking back nostalgically over the weekend's experiences and living off of that. It's time to take the lessons learnt and use them, I want to see fruit, I want greater intimacy with God and I want to be publicly disgraced and mocked, so that I can be that one tiny percentage closer to being like Jesus. I feel almost like I should delete that statement, but God is my life and worth it all.

If you're going to do any self searching today or any probing, ask yourself this:

How can I gain a deeper intimacy with God?

Am I doing all I can to be like Jesus, am I picking up my cross and stepping out as far as possible?

John Piper on Prosperity Gospel

This is a short clip that you have to listen to... John Piper talks briefly on the Prosperity Gospel.

Filled with passion and challenging thoughts, give it a listen its only a few minutes long and leaves me in awe every time I hear it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s

"God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him."

Listen to it and be changed, if it doesn't change you on the first listen, listen to it until it does.

Hey there stranger...

Well, it's been a long time and there's so much to tell and and to share, but one thing that I can say is this: that one thing hasn't changed God is still faithful, God is still good and God is still amazing!

I've learnt so much over the last months about God and feel closer to God. When I feel so alone and upset with no-one else around I know that God is there and that He will never forsake me. I fail to see how people go through life without Him.

I'm currently reading Isaiah at the moment, would recommend it, it may seem scary because of the size but it definitely made me fall in love with God all over again and made me stand in awe at all the great things he's done for me!

It's only a short one, but I'll write something better next time.

Newday 2009...

Last week, I went to an event called Newday aimed at 12-18 year olds. It's a chance for them to be equipped on how to live lives for Jesus and to encounter God in new and amazing ways, that perhaps they've never experienced! (To find out more http://www.newday.xtn.org/)

Going as a steward, I'd got into the mindset of thinking I wasn't going to particularly receive much this year, and that I would just learn the humility of being a servant to all those young people. But as I got there, the 'magic' of Newday got into my blood, my heart started to change and I felt myself becoming more and more expectant. Throughout every meeting it was breathtaking to see the power of God working through so many people and seeing the holy spirit have such an impact, but as a steward you have to stay alert, so again my heart started to doubt that I would learn anything from Newday, or even encounter God in the way that these youth were.

But how wrong I was and how ashamed I am to have ever of doubted!

On one of the mornings I woke up at 5am to have a shower (a lukewarm/mediocre shower) and as I returned to my tent, I thought there would be no way that I would get back to sleep and so decided to go for a walk and talk with my wonderful God! I didn't get back until 8 and those 2 and a bit hours were amazing! God blessed me with the perfect place to walk (as I had prayed previously) and as I walked and talked with God, I just unfolded before Him. Something Stef Liston had mentioned the day before in one of his preaches. It was truly liberating, releasing and amazing to experience the holy spirit and have it highlight all the burdens I had been struggling with. I came back reluctantly to the campsite but had a joyous heart that carried me through the day.

It reminded me that the holy spirit is with us and that its not about the fancy meetings and the fancy stage it's about our daily walk with God. When we come expectant before God, He blesses us. I had a brilliant time, giving things over to Him and saying "Take it" and walking away lighter, freer, in the knowledge that God had taken my burdens.

When we give everything to God, He blesses us immensely. There is no-one greater, higher or better to give all your problems, dreams and thoughts to. Even though He already knows them all, making that declaration and taking that step of giving it to Him, is what He loves. I want to give Him everything, because He reigns, and His hands are the safest hands.

It's easy to say it, not so easy to do, but it's the greatest feeling!

So whatever you're holding onto that's weighing you down...let it go and give it to God.

Seeking God...

For the past month or so I've been to a few planned, spontaneous and spontaneously planned prayer meetings and it has got to the point where I really need to blog about it!

Every prayer meeting, has had a different focus and has had incredible outcomes. It's so easy to be complacent with our lives and pray for ourselves, so its great to get excited about the bigger picture, from students-twenties-revival.

It's amazing how each time we've had a prayer meeting, God has faithfully met with us, even tonight as a few of us gathered together for a last minute prayer meeting God came powerfully and showered us with words! I went feeling lethargic and wanting to be elsewhere, yet praying desperately for a change of heart when I got there and man, did my heart change. It became so apparent that God wanted to break in and break our hearts for what breaks His, to have our hearts broken for the broken. To be ruined by God, completely. As the evening continued and people continued to step out in faith, both literally and spiritually, I felt the passion growing, the excitement increasing. I truly believe we all went away with fresh hearts, filled again and a new thirst and passion for our town and for other things on our hearts.

Every prayer meeting has been an amazing chance to step out in faith, whether it be the guy stepping out and running worship or the guy praying out for the first time. Each meeting has seen new fruit and new gifts being developed.

It's an exciting time.

God has faithfully met with us as He promised and each time I leave feeling refreshed and amazed at our amazing God. This last month has been an incredible month of growth, from seminars and preaches, to prayer meetings and theological meetings.

Yeah, theology-me! It's the most hypocritical thing ever! I used to hate theology, my thinking was : "I'll keep a child like faith, keep it simple and not go near the scary stuff.", (basically I thought it was too intellectual for me!) My friend loves theology, while he was doing a year for the church he used to constantly talk to me about theology and I would just nod. But now I see the importance of theology, of asking those uncomfortable questions, thank God that friend sowed that seed in me! Just the other day we had a session on single and double pre-destination, justification, sanctification and glorification and it was brilliant. To be able to discuss and look at those difficult and potentially scary subjects and break them down was so good. I'm thirsty for more. We may not have all the answers, but theology is so much more than just searching for the answers, it really gives you another perspective on God and highlights even more how fantastic He is. Theology has helped me strengthen my relationship with God because it makes me even more aware of what He's done for me.

God is a 24/7 thing and its important to have a continuing thirst for Him.

"Never be quenched, never be satisfied and be forever hungry"

...that's what I want to be like!

My challenge: let's run after God and seek Him in everything we do.

Together on a Mission/Mobilise...

Last week I headed off to sunny Brighton for 4 days of teaching, worshipping, learning and altogether exhaustion. It was an amazing 4 days and by the end of it I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained, but spiritually soaked!

I felt like a sponge, every preach and every worship session absorbing more and more information and learning more and more about our incredible God, for me it was an impossibility to come away from it feeling empty or even deprived of God's presence.

The work didn't stop after each loaded meeting, it continued far into the night, when each night we had to walk for half an hour to get to our car. God would continue to place things on my heart or challenge me on things said previously in the day.

By the end people were moaning about how tired they were (which is understandable), but the only thing I could think was "I'd rather feel like this everyday, having had the week I've had than being comfortable and having missed out".

Tom Shaw's preach on idols saw hundreds of people released from the grip of idols and Terry's series of preaches on New Frontiers, got everyone inspired and excited about the future of the church. The celebration on the last night, saw people letting go of their inhibitions and being undignified in worship, it was great to be able to dance and jump and go crazy with giving money away to the nations and to the future of the church. By the end of the night, I was buzzing, getting overexcited and emotional about seeing the gospel spread throughout the world.

Another highlight were the seminars that I went to. They helped me to learn not only more about God, but also more about myself-which lets face it, can't be a particularly bad thing.

The first seminar Together on a Mission by Steve and Anna Van Rhyn challenged both men and women, and inspired me and I'm sure most women, to be a wall rather than a door, an analogy that looked at two different types of women:

A door: swings, not concerned with depth, worries about beauty.

The wall: Strong, secure, support etc.

It made me want to strive for being the wall. And for the men, it challenged them to take the initiative and to take responsibility. Every woman was nodding their head at those points!(a very brief summary)

The second seminar Leadership, Life and Love by Steve and Debbie Tibbert was also really motivating, I've been to my fair share of leadership talks, but this one was different. I again learnt a lot more about myself, and learnt a lot about self-leadership as well as leadership in general. What came through most for me, was the honesty that Steve and Debbie had, it was refreshing to hear them talk so openly and honestly about past mistakes and the humility they had was also inspiring to hear.

There were so many highlights and although it was a truly shattering week, I can't imagine that a single heart wasn't left unchanged and that not a single person was left untouched by God.

It really was a spectacular week, that left me desperate to learn more about God and to continue to pursue Him and seek a deeper relationship with him. I left with greater friendships, after great times with friends, I left feeling challenged by God, by myself and by others and I left a truly changed person.

Take a listen... http://www.mobilise.xtn.org/resources/mobilise2009

Roadtripping Madness...

Day 4, Llyn Gwynant, Wales... I'm sitting in a giant chair overlooking Lake Gwynant and looking at the valley fall into darkness while the sun sets behind it. Despite being attacked by midges and that occasional sound of a hidden car, nothing could be wrong with this setting. I love the dear simplicity of this place, knowing I have to leave here with so much still unexplored gives me a heavy heart.

Climbing Snowden I had the sensation of just how amazing God's creation is, and how clarity of mind can come from a few breathtaking mountains. I want to continue exploring despite my heavy and weary limbs. I will return to this place or one very much like it one day, and I pray God's beauty will still be shown here-even if, amazingly, it is only a fraction of his beauty.

Snowden was glorious, gloriously painful but the view was sublime. No photo can do it justice and no words can fully describe it. Seeing it made me long for heaven all the more and the idea that it will be far more spectacular is just crazy!

I learnt surprisingly a lot over this roadtrip, it reaffirmed that God is an incredibly talented and beautiful creator. It made me unbelievable grateful for all that He's done and it made me realise how shamefully I don't thank him enough.

I can't tell you how good God is and how amazing He really is, because just like those mountain views, no words can possibly describe Him!

Roadtripping Madness...Day 3

So yeah, I may have skipped a few days (and started on day 3) but this is where I started writing anything remotely interesting or bloggable!

To put it into context for you...Me and my friend Emily went on a roadtrip lasting 10 days (the last 10 days just gone) around Wales and England...from S. Wales - N. Wales - Lake District - Bath (and other places). So Day 3, Llyn Gwynant, Wales...

There's something about the places I've seen so far in Wales that leave me breathless, awestruck and inspire me to think about God and do more for him. It's easy to see and understand why people get so inspired after seeing such beautiful places, yet it is equally baffling as to how people can't and don't see God behind such astounding creativity.

Whilst walking in the Welsh countryside, up mountains, through trees, jumping, climbing and walking, my adventurous side came out and I wanted to walk to the top of every peak, climb every cliff face and stand at the top of each and look down at what God has created. When standing on the top of the Sugar Loaf Mountain (I'm classing it as a mountain) I was taken a back by its beauty. Emotion and the presence of God hit me, so much so that I just had to walk and praise him.

It inspired that adventurous spark in me, that seems invisible at all other times. It sparks that bit of adventure that has remained suppressed in my urban lifestyle. No part of my hometown leaves me wanting to explore more, find more-I've seen it all and know it all by heart. I've regressed back to being childish here, having little or no fear for what might happen if I fall or if I'm stung because I just want to explore more and more of God's creation. I suddenly envy Pocahontas!

It's funny how such a little thing such as green, lush valleys can ignite something new in me, give me back that old sense of adventure that I can't wait to go somewhere else and do something new. Travelling is on my heart and once again I'm reminded how much I love God's creation.

It's so easy to be complacent in our comfort zones, whether it be spiritually or just to sit back and relax too much. We need to wake up and be on our toes, complacency just leads to stagnation and no-one likes to be stagnant!

Laptop Sabbatical continued...

Right, well I still haven't got my laptop back but I have learnt a thing or two without it and I still am. I felt it was time to write about it, as I have had other challenges and other ideas to write about.

I always knew not having a laptop would be a challenge but sadly, I never realised quite how much I would miss it. How sad is that? Although, realistically I'm sure you can empathize with me, and there is some sort of technology you would miss if it got taken away from you/broke etc.

During the first few days of having no laptop, I borrowed one every now and then, but for the majority of the time I had none. What I noticed most was the deafening silence. It amazed me that actually I spent every minute of every day filling the silence with music or talk, as if the silence was an enemy, whereas actually it turned out to be a beloved friend (cheesy I know). Sitting in silence helped me collect my thoughts, think things through and hear God's voice clearer. I've blogged on silence before but, as with a lot of things, I forget about them and become a hypocrite! Without my laptop I was able to do what Jesus himself did so often "...withdrew to lonely places and prayed" Luke 5:16 (NIV) and it was incredible what a bit of silence and a lot more free time can do.

Fortunately or unfortunately, whatever way you look at it, my laptop broke during exam time, a time that to be honest I just constantly worry, particularly with these ones. So to be able to sit in peace and quiet and cry and pour my heart out to God, was the best medicine and the greatest cure!

God was amazing over my exams, seriously...I prayed for particular subjects to come up and they did! He calmed any nerves and helped me to go into each exam with a sense of peace that "surpasses all human understanding" (Philippians 4:6-7). I learnt more about God's character and about how amazing He is. I have gotten closer to Him and have enjoyed my quiet times so much more and have had so much more time for Him-enabling me to do more than just read a quick verse and shortly forget about it, but to actually study it etc.

Having just said all of the above however, it wasn't/isn't entirely easy. I struggle with trying to 'fit' God in sometimes, when actually I have so much time for Him, that I waste with other things. Since I've been back from uni, I've had a laptop at my disposal for a lot of the day, and that temptation can sometimes take over again and I end up wasting my day on youtube etc.

I still miss my laptop, but I do love the freedom of not having it as well. It's amazing what God has done in me and how I have changed even just through not having a laptop, I never thought I would learn so much! It hasn't been easy, and I often do find anything to do but a quiet time, a lot of the time it is unconsciously. But I don't understand why. Why do we tend to slot God in, at a particular time, shouldn't He been in every part of every day?

Even as I type I'm thinking "I'm such a hypocrite" and no doubt, you're probably thinking the same about me also. But hear me out...

We have an amazing God, and although sometimes practically it may seem impossible, I actually think its not. Think about it, whatever you're doing, you can still pray and communicate with God. He sacrificed Jesus, in order to make it very easy for us to talk to Him. I love how well God knows us, He makes it easy because He knows how preoccupied and badly we prioritise things.

So I guess, my challenge to myself and to you, is to strive to make God an every minute of everyday thing, rather than an 8pm-8.15pm kind of thing.

I do miss my laptop, but I would miss the times with God a lot more if I went back to my old ways of constantly being distracted. So, I've learnt what a hold technology can have on me and I'm loving God more and more.

So when I do get my laptop back...God is and always will be first. Quiet times, will be just that, QUIET! I've learnt I don't need to fill the silence, I can hear God better in it and that making time for Him is soo worth it. There is no contest.

Laptop Sabbatical...

Nothing lasts forever, well in this world anyway.

Materialism is something that effects all of us, as it's all around us everyday and technology is another area in which we are effected by everyday. It's not until we give up or loose a piece of technology that we notice how much we rely on it.

My laptop broke last night, and although I'm using another laptop at the moment, it does mean 2 weeks if not longer without a laptop, something that I use everyday. When it broke to be honest I wasn't that bothered, I'm looking on it as an experience and an opportunity to fill my time more constructively, rather than wasting my time away on Facebook and MSN (maybe in a few days I won't have the same attitude!) But it's given me the chance to reflect upon how much I seem to rely on it and use it, time where I could be talking to God and praying into things OR even revising!

My laptop tends to distract me and fills the silence also, I got back from an exam today and just sat chatting to God, whereas before I would have got my laptop out and sat watching something useless. The silence, although relatively rare in my uni halls was relaxing and it allowed me to actually be able to hear God clearer and to think clearer, instead of filling every waking second with music.

I guess my challenge today, as I go to shut off this laptop and go back to my laptopless life, is this...

What piece of technology can you 'not' live without?

What is it that you take everywhere with you? Could you give it up and will you?

If you gave up something you use regularly, you may be surprised at the way it can change and effect your lifestyle and make your relationship with God better or it could just allow you to spend your time more constructively. Seriously have a think about it and give something (technology etc) up today!

Now that I don't have my laptop, I can see the benefits that will come from it and when I next blog again (whenever that may be) maybe you'll see a difference. I will let you know.

Now, it's time to turn the laptop off and go on a laptop sabbatical and learn more about that fantastic God of mine!

Being in love....with God!

A new revelation hit me recently and thinking about it, it's pretty simplistic but to me it's made me view my relationship with God differently.

Thinking recently about being single and being in love, they're often put as two separate things, they exist on their own or if you're single and in love (a love that's not returned), it's generally a hopeless case (I know that's not 100% right)!

Being in love is generally best left to the people that have someone to love and to have that someone love them back. Being in love is an amazing thing, it hurts at times but it makes people happy, so why can't a singleton have that? I want it! And I have it!

Being in love means you get shivers and butterflies thinking about them, seeing them, hearing them, you see a place and it instantly reminds you of them, they're on your mind constantly and you never want to hurt them, if you hurt them you want to make it up to them, you're desperate to gain their trust and their love back. Isn't it like that with us and God?

I may not be in love with anyone but it doesn't mean I can't taste what love is like, and still enjoy being in love with an amazing God. It's not a romantic love, it's an indescribable love, but the conventions are all still there.

When God heals someone or I hear an amazing testimony or He speaks to me I get butterflies, I get shivers...I'm amazed (if you couldn't tell from the latest entries!) I love hearing from God and I'd love to see His face.

I go to places and I see His beauty there and I'm reminded of Him.

Although He's not on my mind 24/7 I'd love to make it that way and be that focused on Him.

When I sin, I feel awful because I've hurt Him, and I love Him so much, I'd hate to lose Him and although God says He will never leave me, I want to make it up to Him, I want to strive to at least TRY and be better, even though we both know I'll never be perfect and I will always fall short! To put it better and definitely more poetically...

"To love the Lord your God, and to walk in all his ways...to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul" Joshua 22:5

So I'm loving being in love! I may not be the most intellectual person, or the most theologically minded (I'll probably get told this blog isn't theologically sound!) but whether or not this makes sense one thing is for sure...

I love God He is the ultimate listener, the ultimate artist, the ultimate friend, father and saviour and it's good to know that He loves me infinitely more and that it is unrequited.What more could you want? It doesn't get much better than that!!

A Few Revelations...

It's been weird being at home, revision has been amazingly difficult and procrastination is my favourite hobby. Whilst I've been back, I've gone through a reminiscing time, thinking over all the decisions I made and looking over past situations.

Throughout every blunder, every foolish mistake and indeed throughout all the fantastic memories and the good times there is one thing that is common with all of them, one thing that has been there in each of those things and that is God. God has a plan, He has plans for us, plans for good not for harm. He is a God that cares about us, and though it may not seem like it at the time, it is all in His plan. Looking back on some mistakes I made I see clearly now how God used those bad experiences for the better. It's amazing how he completely turned those mistakes around and now I am a changed person and (I hope) for the better.

He brought me out of dark places and set me back on the right path (excuse however cheesy that sounds) He really is a saviour! It is amazing how in a desperate place He is there and that when bad situations come in the long run He has a plan, meaning you can look back and see the fruit of it.

One of the joys of being home and indeed one of the reasons I came home was to go on a walk to my favourite place. That sounds really twee I know, but it's a place that is filled with beauty and God's creativity never ceases to amaze me as I walk through it. Whilst sitting on a log (yes I am a hippie) I was astounded at God's beauty in all creation and I was amazed at the intricate detail of each plant and to think heaven is infinitely more beautiful...can't wait!

Whilst sitting reading about David and Goliath it hit me...We all go through Goliath sized problems, but just like David we can defeat them because we've got God on our side. When we come up against fear and temptations we can defeat them with God as the stone from our sling shot (as it were). God continues to astound me and I love it! He is a faithful God who answers big prayers and answers little prayers!

I guess it's repetitive, but whatever...God is amazing and He is worthy of praise!

An amazing God...

This week has been a week of God continually showing me how amazing He is. I have been struck constantly in different areas of my daily life by how incredible our God is. Something that made me awestruck was the following extract from Incomparable (Andrew Wilson):

"Try sitting completely still. You are not allowed to move anything except your eyes. Ready?

Almost everything about you is changing right now, even as you sit completely still. Your body is changing, as every second you produce 25 million cells, and your brain processes 100 million new pieces of information. Your location is changing at a rate of 66,000 miles per hour along with the rest of the large lump of rock we call the earth. This lump of rock is itself changing all the time, with the earth's crust moving continuously, continents changing shape, and Mount Everest growing 5 cm every year. The sun, probably the largest and most steady object you know anything about, is changing rather more dramatically: it is now 50 million tonnes lighter than it was when you started reading this paragraph. Everything changes."

How amazing is that? That God created such amazingly, intricate things and although there is constant change in the world...He never changes! God is unchangeable. That's just one way that I've been struck by His amazingness this week!

He's answered my prayers, prayers that were very little in the grand scheme of things, yet were important to me and it showed to me even more that I have a God who loves and cares for ME.

The third thing was at church today, it was amazing to see so many people worship an awesome God and on top of that 3 healings and 9 people giving their lives to God, all reinforced how amazing He is.

We have a God that loves us deeply, who reigns forever, over all things and who knows everything about us.

How amazing is our God?!

God, the comedian!

I know that this may be repetitive by now, but we do have an amazing God and yet again He has shown it to me today.

As I was going through my drawers I found all my old notes with words from God and pictures/words from others they felt over me and my life. It was so encouraging to read them and remind myself that God has a plan, and that there is an aim, there is a focus in my life. Whilst reading over them God highlighted a certain one to me, that was so relevant to what I was facing.

After sitting for what must have been hours trying to do my essay, I have to say I felt so dejected when all that ended up on the piece of paper was a few notes, that were not going to give me the 2,500 words I needed. I felt stupid,unintelligent and I think I actually begged God for a brain!! So I turned to my daily reading and it was then that I realised God's humour and how God works in mysterious ways. I'm currently reading Incomparable by Andrew Wilson and today was "God the Creator" as I continued to read through it there was an overwhelming sense of relevancy and when I reached the very end of the chapter I realised God's humour in it all and His superb sensibility to my emotions...

"If God carefully designed every diatom, how much more can we be sure that he made us, his people, carefully and wonderfully!...An even more astonishing example of God's craftsmanship is the human brain, perhaps the most baffling and amazing created thing on earth: The human brain is heralded for its staggering complexity and processing capability...the storage capacity of the human brain is nearly infinite...During our life-time, our brain will have amassed...to more than five times the amount of the total printed material in the world!" (pg. 38, Incomparable)

It just spoke to me and made me see how intricately He has designed my brain, and even if it didn't seem to be flowing at that moment, it just made me sit back and laugh.

He loves it when we come to Him, God has an awesome sense of humour, an acute sensibility to every emotion and situation and even better He has the solution! When we feel weak, all we need to remember is...

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

He showed me today that when we feel weak we have Him, I wrote that verse on my hand and for the rest of the day I was reminded that Christ is in me, and my strength is not mine alone, but His. Today God has shown me His diverse character, the greatest comedian of all is, by far God. The more I learn of God the more I love Him.

So I guess, if a challenge is to be given it is this...

How well do you know God?

How much do you want to get to know Him?

(It should be a burning desire, a passion for all of us, for He took the time to create us and takes the time to care for us...I think He deserves the effort! Don't you?)

God is amazing!

Well, I've been back at uni for just over a week now and God has blessed me incredibly. I just can't believe how awesome a God He is! I don't deserve His blessings and yet He lavishes them on me and continues loving me, He is an amazing Father.

I can't help but feel my low spirits rise when I hear worship songs declaring His name, when I listen closely to the songs I hear the truth in each one and it makes me want to sing louder and louder. Being left on my own to revise, with not a soul around is a little lonesome-as I start to wonder what they're doing and I start to wish I was included, but then I hear those beautiful words of a worship song and I can't help but feel joy in my heart. Each one is declaring a different aspect of how awesome my God is...

"You are all that I need, you are all that satisfies me, what can the world offer me now? This is life, this is hope ... I am free."

...Words like that, bring a smile to my face and make my heart leap and my spine shiver...I have a God who is AMAZING!!

What more do I need in this life?? He is my sustainer, He is the reason I am here, He is the reason I stay strong and when I'm weak He is the hand that picks me up and walks with me. He is an awesome God.

I've wanted to write a blog entry for ages, but felt I had nothing profound to write, all I find myself wanting to write is how amazing this God is of mine! This is my bit of profound insight...

I know and love an awesome, mighty God who...loves ME...can you believe it?...Yet even crazier and even greater is this...Not only does He love me, He loves you too, whoever you are, whatever you've done, whatever you believe or don't believe...He loves you!

I wish I could write how much my heart is full of joy with God's love, despite the fact I feel emotionally shaken and tested. How the two can coincide is a mystery only answered by God, He helps me focus on Him and eradicate all other fears, worries, problems, for He is glorious and I love Him.

"Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever" Psalms 106:1 AMEN!

Single in the City...

I sat on the floor in a friend's room last night and realised that it wasn't a song playing, it was a preach from Mobilise 2007 (A conference for student and twenties with New Frontiers) and whilst listening to it, we began to realise how on the ball it really was and how it amazingly fitted into our lives.

It was preached by Adrian Holloway with the title Single in the City and while it is wrapped up in beautiful biblical truth it is just as applicable to non-Christians as Christians. He talks straight up and bluntly, directly to men and women and hits the sore patches that need to be addressed.

He describes exactly what women want: a decisive, holy man and what men want: a holy, attractive woman etc. He looks at the downfalls of the expectations each sex have of the other...The Christian Brad Pitt is mentioned(!) and it is a great insight into how to live a glorious single life for God. There are some great anecdotes and is blunt, helpful and really encouraging.

So check it out... http://nf1.2xstreamhosting.com/~newfrontiers/lc07/MB02.mp3

(if that doesn't work try this... http://www.mobilise.xtn.org/resources/mobilise2007)

EXCITED...EXCITED...EXCITED!!!!

I got excited yesterday and today and hopefully tomorrow...because (and this is a profound revelation!) my God is an awesome God. He is AMAZING!

I went to bed praying for little things like good weather in the morning so that I would enjoy my walk to the dentist, I prayed that I wouldn't get lost in the hospital and I prayed for a load of other little bits, the usual sort of thing. So when I woke up and the weather was beautiful I was thankful, when I didn't get lost in the hospital I was thankful...God blessed me soooo much yesterday, with how He answered my silly little prayers.

And then I just got excited, it was like a fresh revelation, whilst singing along to Hillsongs I felt excited, I felt like a kid does at Christmas, I felt like I do at Christmas-excited!! Excited about God's love, about what He's done for me! We have a God who has done so much for us, a God who listens to us no matter what we are saying or how long for (and He knows that I talk a lot). I couldn't wait to go to church today, even though I would be a visitor I was still excited to stand once again in His presence. I was just overwhelmed yesterday by the fact that God's presence was in my house, was in my kitchen and made me want to scream, jump up and down, dance, laugh, cry, kneel...everything and anything!!

I for one don't get excited often enough about what He does for me! He is an amazing God, why are we not excited?? Why do we not live everyday being excited? I want to wake up everyday with that feeling of excitement and with the feeling of shivers down my spine at the thought that I have a God who loves me! I am officially excited about God, don't get me wrong I've always been excited about Him, after all how can you not?...God deserves everything I've got and I am excited about giving Him everything, just as I am excited about being loved by Him. It is so easy to let the excitement slowly fade and vanish away, but we need these 'fresh revelations', these renewals, to remind us what it was first like when we became Christians. I felt like a child again, like I was 7 years old and had just given my life to God and wanted to tell everyone and anyone around!

So I guess my challenge today, is one that I am going to challenge myself on more often...

How excited are you today about God?

Where's your excitement? Where's your sense of childish excitement?

Do you long to be excitedly hungry and thirsty for a God who is greater and better than ALL things?

I want to wake up everyday with a burning passion that gets me excited, that gets me feeling like a kid on Christmas Day. I know that troubles will come and the excitement may come under pressure, but I still want to strive to be excited, I still want to wake up breathing in the presence of my awesome God. I know that this may be a rambling post (what one's aren't?) with perhaps no strong theology or biblical background, but just put it down to being childishly excited about an awesome God!

I'm excited...what about you?

(Sorry I used the word excitment/excited etc so much, it begins to grate after the first 15 times I know!)

Nostalgia and Encouragment an unlikely pair...

Wednesday was a bit of a nostalgic day to say the least. With strange things from my past testing me to be wise and to make the right decisions. But the highlight of my day was seeing a friend I haven't seen in a long while. I've really missed her, but it wasn't until I saw her that I really felt the full weight of how much.

Her whole character inspired me and motivated me to continue with all that I am doing and she probably doesn't know it, but she was/is a breath of fresh air-however cheesy that sounds! She's so bubbly and so happy and optimistic it just reminded me that there are few people in this life that pick us up or help us out and we need to cherish them as much as we can.

We all need someone, to look to, to go to and to follow. Whether they be one in the same person or whether they be three different people. It's good to follow someone in the sense of looking to someone and seeing how they do things and adapt how you yourself would do things. It's good to have someone to look to that is spiritually strong and someone that you can go to with any problems.

God covers every area, but whilst there are still humans around and there are still Godly men and women to be had, let's make the most of it and follow those that cane be an example and strive to reach the potential that God wants us to reach.

Here's where I stray a little...

All throughout the bible there are verses about encouraging one another, it's one of those things that I feel today is slightly neglected. We assume people don't need encouraging as a lot of people seem to be fairly self assured. We live in a sarcastic society, sarcastic insults are a split second thing that we believe has no long lasting effects and encouraging each other sometimes seems unnecessary.

Paul was continually encouraging the church with his letters and with his actions. Likewise, we need people to be like that for us and we need to be like that to others. We need to be good friends to others and lend encroaching words as often as possible in a way that is most likely going to mean a lot to someone. A little encouragements goes a long way. Here are a couple of challenges/statements that got my ol' cogs working...

Proverbs 28:23-"In the end, people appreciate frankness over flattery". Everyone needs a friend or more than one friend to be straight with them, even if it causes a little hurt.

"Does my butt look big in this"..."Yes" (such a poor example, I know!)

It's better to be honest and straight, then to let your friend go out looking stupid and in the long run, they end up feeling worse because you didn't tell them the truth. On deeper levels and on a less superficial basis you need good, strong (well rooted) friends that can challenge you on sensitive issues, that help shape you better and help build your character.

Proverbs 12:25-"Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up". Everyone wants to hear something reassuring in a time of need, a few positive words can make all the difference.

Making friends and being a good friend has no scientific calculation it's give a lot and take a lot, it's about balance it's about encouraging one another. It's about building each other up, not tearing each other apart.

Who are you going to encourage today?

Silence...

When are we ever in silence?

In this metropolis that we call London, there never seems to be a moment's silence, urban sounds run throughout our lives, whether it be the cars on the roads, the planes in the sky or the very sound of music and media in our ears and on our minds. Being British I'm sure the very thought of silence immediately equals awkwardness and the imminent urge to fill it with something.

When was the last time you sat in silence?

It seems like an odd action to take, just to sit in silence and think or just enjoy the peace, amongst our everyday lives there is very little time for such a menial thing. Today I was watching an interesting documentary and during the break the player cut out and I was left in silence, the silence was deafening and was almost oppressing, it was then that it hit me.

When was the last time I was in silence?

When was the last time that I enjoyed the silence and didn't fill it with music or mindless ramblings of my thoughts to myself.

I don't enjoy the silence enough, I don't take the time to just sit and listen, to the atmosphere, to the noises of London. 'Cos let's face it, in the urban landscape that is my home it's is an impossibility or at least a complete rarity that there is complete silence-no cars, no chavs, no planes...nothing.

So I guess what challenge I can make, however pathetic it does sound, my challenge is this:

The next time you find yourself in silence or a quiet place, don't reach for the mp3 player in your pocket, or the remote control for the TV, sit and enjoy the peace and quiet and make the most of it.

I know I need to.

"I shall conquer this"...

It's difficult living in this world. And no, that's not a new revelation, but it's an increasingly obvious concept that is pressing upon me the more time I spend with non-Christians. I'm not condemning them, but it does get harder to be an example and to bring glory to God around them.

I love being back home, because I miss my school friends dearly...the infamous 5 particularly and many others. I can't wait to see them again on Wednesday, but I know the same old challenges will arise. The challenge to stand out and bring glory to God, the challenge not to feel lonely when they all talk of their loves, of how lovely they are, of how romantic and how awesome they are. It makes it hard to talk to them about the love of my life...Jesus, because it isn't something that they can relate to, and lets face it, it's a little cheesy. It's especially difficult when to be honest I have two burdens going on at the moment, frantically battling inside of me, the devil trying to get me to despair over them.

But in all things, I have to rely on and depend upon my God. But it isn't always that easy is it? I am displeased with this world, I am displeased with this life I live.

In in the words of Mr. Darcy himself..."I shall conquer this". These burdens, I will eradicate, I will conquer and I shall come out the other side a better person, a stronger woman and hopefully, will not encounter the burdens again. Yet I know that they are common place burdens and they are likely to return.

But one lives in hope. Heavenly hope, heavenly assurance. Ahhh to taste heaven and to have no more pain or suffering!

Doris Day...

I want to be Doris Day.

Let's face it, who wouldn't? She's beautiful, can sing amazingly, act and looks amazing in any outfit she wears! In some respects I'd love to think I'm actually a bit of a Calamity Jane, completely tomboyish but when it counts, I can look and act female. Well, that at least was what I used to be like.

So yeah, there's my new life long ambition, to be like Doris Day-all singing, all dancing, all acting and all looking Doris Day.

So watch out world...here comes a wanna be Doris Day...ahhh if only!

I was planning on writing something profound and challenging, but Doris Day fever took over and all profound and amazing wisdom went out the window, with, I believe my sanity.

Maybe I can find a tenuous link that will turn out wise...

nope.

There was a brief glimmer of hope, but that's it...I want to be Doris Day!

"A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear"...

"A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear" I have to agree, I love nothing more than to smile and smile often. Today I wasn't able to do so very much, I had to model a t-shirt and help a friend out with a project, meaning I had to do the "pensive look", which is pretty alien to me!

I love photos, I love taking them and being in them. But it seems more and more that I seem to get the same stigma attached to me of being vain. I'd love to deny it, but most people would argue a good case of the fact that I'm tagged on Facebook in over 2,000 photos and that I probably have a million and one other photos elsewhere.

(I did have a point to this blog, but now it seems to have gone deeper inside of me and no longer seems like something to bring back up.)

I will say this, that vanity and confidence seem to often get themselves mixed up, people with confidence can come across arrogant and vain and those that are vain come across confident, mostly with themselves.

For me confidence in myself is something I have least of, confidence that God will bring out the best in me-that I have, confidence that people know who I am because of my family-I've relied on that for years.

Vanity-I see myself as a sculpture or an unfinished painting, there's always improvements to be made, and there's always imperfections. But the artist and creator seems to know what He's doing nonetheless. Is that vanity?

An artist's work is never done, likewise God isn't finished with this piece of art that is me. One day he will have finished every delicate layer and intricate detail, but until that day I am an imperfect, unfinished, work in progress.

Wisdom Recession...

It's weird, everything seems so clear when I'm back home. All the decisions I have been meaning to make are made easier back home, I'm able to think more of how my future is to pan out and what I can do in certain situations. But when I'm back at uni it all goes wrong, the decisions I made seem to fade away and their importance gets knocked further back.

I'm sure I was wiser 2 years ago, uni has made me soft in some places and strong in others, all might I add in the wrong areas of life. Decisions and situations that are now becoming more and more frequent I seem to be getting worse at handling.

I thought they said wisdom comes with age? Then what screwed up recession is going on here? They talk of economic recession, I think I'm experiencing a wisdom recession-a lapse in wisdom.

But there is always the hope that I can rectify things and that thanks to God, I can change and make crucial changes. I am going to need His help ASAP and I need the effects to be just as quick, although I know that it is more likely to be something that involves patience.

Now that I'm home, I'm seeing this all so much clearer, if only I'd seen it all when I was at uni and then I wouldn't be writing this blog, I wouldn't be getting into the mess I'm in/or am likely to get into.

My only constant hope is this: that in all my failings, there is a perfect God that helps mend all my ('nets') problems, whether it means hard work, pain or something easier. It's still a relief.

Austen's Persuasion...

I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You piece my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his lover has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in

F.W.

I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.

F.W is Fredrick Wentworth writing to Anne Elliot in Jane Austen's Persuasion, no matter how many times I read that, it blows me away. Austen really sets the bar for idealistic romance, she sets the level of romance high and beyond what seems achievable anymore.

Whether you love literature or not, you have to love that letter, just for the pure honesty and raw emotion behind it. Ahhhh I love it.

Literature is an escape from this world to another.

Who said chivalry is dead?

With a world continually spiralling downwards, with war, suffering and injustice around every corner, it's not difficult to hear and make the assumption that "chivalry is dead".

But last night I have the proof to contradict it and to give a little hope to all those out there that want to see more chivalry...

In every club you get pervs-the leering men that think that women are just a piece of meat or 'another one to add to the list' and some women willingly encourage them. But when out with your brother and sisters in Christ it's nice to know that the guys, act as brothers in Christ. I have to say that these guys were all gentlemanly and chivalry. Taking care of each girl and making sure they were cautious and careful, keeping an eye out for those guys that don't even know what chivalry is anymore. Whether it meant swapping places, standing behind them (girls) or just generally being protective, last night showed that there are guys out there that love their sisters in Christ (as sisters) and do the right thing and protect them.

Newday 2007 a general word was given for the boys-

"Brothers don't be passive, protect your sisters in Christ"

I never really saw much fruit amongst the younger guys with concerns to this word, but the older ones seem to have it down. Whilst not always perfect (no-one is) they acted in a way that I know not only I noticed, it is that word down to a tee. I know it may not seem like much to them and perhaps it's just a normal part of their character, but in my own way, I think they deserve a mention, a big thanks and a pat on the back for protecting their sisters.

For the guys last night, the guys to follow their example and all those that want to learn how to be more chivalrous, this blog was for you.

Time...

I've just got back from a morning of lectures and it was the last lecture that got my creative thought processes going. We had a guest speaker who was French and did admittedly sound like Stephen Hawking. But it was a pretty good lecture and I was impressed at the courage he had, to talk his views through in a second language and what I enjoyed even more was the biblical elements he added to it, as he quoted great verses from the Bible, it was impossible not to smile!

So whilst telling us about Shakespeare, an important theme came up...Time. It made the slow cogs in my mind turn and think seriously about time. A topic poets have long written about, singers have sung about and people have thought about and always will. Time never seems to be in abundance, yet we seem to waste it so much it's easy to get the opposite impression. Even now I'm up against the clock, as I have a lecture (again) in half an hour and these thoughts need to motivate my hands to type faster-not that any of this will be particularly profound!

I've spent a whole weekend neglecting time, by reading and relaxing, yet I do wonder whether that is a neglection (yes it's a word ish) of my time, I know others would think so. In the grand scheme of things, life isn't short, despite what people say it's not life that's short, it's time that makes it seem so. I know that in just a few months my first year at uni will have gone and this blog will be in an archive of many many blogs.

I guess we need to learn to treasure time, to make the most of it. To live life to the full and to live meaningful lives-find Jesus and you'll know meaning, believe me!

Because..."Life's not the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away" I love that saying, because I wish every moment was like that, (although I would be very short of breath all of the time) or at least that I would learn to make the most of my time and be grateful for it.

Yeah, so that's it, I don't have time to type any more. (Cheesy!)

At the foot of the cross...

We all need to come back to the cross, at some point of other in our lives. It should be something we come back to daily, something we think of all the time. Yet, with the business of our everyday lives, it's so easy to forget why we're all here and what the basis of our faith depends upon.

Church today looked at impossibilities and how God makes promises to us, to overcome them. We were told the miraculous stories of new children being born, through the impossibility of infertility and reminded how God is "in the adoption business", that we are adopted into His family and are His children. It was a great preach and a great time of fellowship, but it's always easy to take it away and forget it by the time you reach the ol' homestead, which admittedly I did. But while listening to Lifehouse (a great band, check them out) I was reminded of a skit (such an American word) that some people had done to show Jesus' love for us, to one of the band's songs, Everything:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Please, if there is one thing you do today, check this out.

It brought me back to the cross, and showed me how much God loves me. It shows how He loves us so much He doesn't give up on us, but is always there, through each heavy sin we have in our lives, through every trial and in our darkest hour. It shows how He is continually pulling us to come closer to Him, through the misty haze of sin He keeps pulling and pulling, when all seems hopeless He is the hope, pulling and pulling. When all seems lost He keeps pulling, until He has you in His arms and even then it's not over. He sent His only son, to take all the weight of those sins and put them on Himself, until He could take no more and died. But our God is a God of impossibilities and Jesus rose again 3 days later. Just so that we could be with Him. So we can walk beside Him again, hand in hand and side by side. Isn't that just overwhelmingly amazing?

It is incomprehensible why someone so righteous, glorious and worthy would spend time taking me from darkness just to walk alongside Him, just so I can be His daughter. I'd love to think it's my personality and good looks (ha) that is the reason God wants to be my friend, but He created all that's about me and when I look at it, how can I come before the King of Kings. How can I have the audacity to speak to one so high and mighty?

It's simple in God's eyes, He loves me. He loves you, whether you know it or not. He loves you unconditionally and that is something I don't think I will ever understand, I don't think we're meant to. Knowing all of this, knowing how much my God loves me and wants me, there is nothing I can do but fall on my knees with my face down, in awe of Him. For He is glorious and He is an amazing Father. He made the ultimate sacrifice, that caused the maximum pain and I want to repay Him, I never can and never will be able to, because it's far too immeasurable a thing to 'repay'. But He has my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life seeking first the kingdom of God and living for Him.

So that one day, one day I can walk into heaven and see Him there in all His glory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Simplicity in a story...

One of my favourite books in the bible is 1 Samuel 3, not because it's short but because of how simple it is, yet packed full of biblical examples of what we should be like and realism.

Lying in bed Samuel hears a voice, not only does he respond, he actually gets up. How is that in anyway amazing?

Well, to me it shows that he could be bothered to get up! So much of our lives are consumed by apathy and laziness (I know I fall victim to this), if someone called my name I think I'd probably roll over and continue sleeping! It also shows that we need to be continually responsive and continually alert to what God is saying to us just as Samuel was, because just as Samuel proves, you never know when and what God is going to speak to you.

And then later on it all 'pays off' when v19 says "As Samuel grew up, the Lord was with him and everything Samuel said was wise and helpful". So when we listen to God, He blesses us, just as He did with Samuel. Let's face it, what an awesome thing to have said about you "everything Samuel said was wise and helpful" I'd love it if everything I said was likewise, 'cos I'm pretty sure most of the time I speak rubbish.

Amazing what a simple story can teach us and that it's those stories that so often we can glance over and not take notice. That's why I love the Bible, it's so much more than just words, it's got so much more depth to it.

God, Guys, Architecture and Questions...

Ok, I know my last blog commended you guys out there and was sympathetic towards you but I feel like I should take it all back. The amount of heartbreak I've heard of over the last couple of days has been immense and as much as I hate to say it, pretty much 90% of the time it was the guy doing the breaking, the manipulating and taking advantage of the girl's heart. But I guess you can blame the girls for falling into the continual trap. Its an endless cycle of heartbreak.

But moving on to greener pastures...I've finished all my many essays and now feel a little freer! I spent the whole of today reading, sitting on a window sill admiring God's glorious sunshine. On Wednesday we went spontaneously to the beach and I was (as per usual) breath taken by the scenery, I love the beach and it never fails to amaze me. I'm like a kid with it, the sea and sand are amazingly good sources of entertainment, God knows me too well!!

Wednesday was a basically a day of having my breath taken away, as I walked around Canterbury Cathedral it was continually striking-the architecture, the clear blue sky and the overwhelming sense of history behind it. Everything, all of it combined made me reflective and pensive and think what an amazing God we have, that someone would build such an awe-striking Cathedral to try and show one snippet of how amazing He is.

What have I done to show how amazing He is? I know it's not about works, but I never thank Him enough (and never will), I never praise Him enough, when every word and action I say and do should be a reflection of it.

He saved me from despair and heartbreaking situations, I'm listening to the song that reminds me what He has brought me out of and what would have been a completely different life. I owe Him everything and I want to spend the rest of my life continually thanking Him.

How will you spend your life? Will yours be a life that is continually thankful or continually bitter? One that looks back at what could have been, with a mournful sigh or one that looks to the future with a smile because you trust God has it in His ever capable hands?

Guys don't stand a chance...

After sitting for the best part of 10 hours of my day watching Pride and Prejudice and similar films I came to the probably unrevolutionary conclusion that in this life, in this age...guys have it tough and guys don't stand a chance!!

We, (woman kind) have ideals and the chick flick industry and fantastic writers like Jane Austen capture those ideals and give them to us on a platter of literary or indeed film genius. The kind of thing that gets all women eating chocolate and wishing their lives were more like that of Elizabeth Bennet, but instead end up having the life more similar to Bridget Jones.

I recall so many conversations that I've had with my father, complaining about "why hasn't he said this?" and "why on earth did he do this?" and "doesn't he understand?" And so many times my father looks at me with a serious face and says "We're men. We're not supposed to get it right." Or along similar lines, to be honest mostly the answer is a simple "We're men" and yeah, he's got a point, how are guys meant to live up to the ideals that women paint.

Jane Austen has got it down to a tee, and that's why I love her books, it's what every (unfeminist) girl loves, the dream of being swept of her feet and having someone fight for you against all the odds, but in the real world...it's just not always realistic. Too often I probably have fallen subject to the delusion theory that one day I will be like Elizabeth Bennet...marry a rich handsome Mr Darcy!! But there comes a point in one's life where you have to look realistically and reassess things.

I've seen all 3 of my brothers struggle at times with women (we're complicated creatures) and they always will. (They're men!) But I'm fed up of idealising how it's all going to be, I'm sure he'll try his best and at the end of the day, no woman ever makes it easy for a man. Ok, so I may be being far too severe on my own sex and far too patronising to the opposite. But I think it is time then we gave men a break, trust me you won't hear this again. But for the moment while my temperature is up and I can blame it on illness there it is...women need to stop idealising and make it easier for guys.

BUT I will say this-there's nothing wrong with a challenge and fighting for us(not to be seen as merely a challenge), being too easy and just letting go of all inhibitions...just not good. I guess I'm not being altogether very coherent and most probably contradictory but "I'm a woman...you're not meant to understand!!".

I just think it's time we see what my father's wise words mean...

"We're just men."-that says it all ;)

Pitter Patter of Feet...

It's been a rough couple of weeks since I've been back at uni. Emotionally I've been taking a beating and the devil has loved it I'm convinced. Going back for my best friend's wedding, was beautiful, I loved being there to share her (and his) special day and see her marry the man she loves. And yeah at weddings you suddenly remember how single you are, when everyone and I mean everyone seems to have someone...I'm sure most of them are hired just for that day...like the Wedding Date-blatantly based on a true story! But yeah, digressed slightly there...

So, have been feeling emotionally drained, ok been feeling low (lets be honest now!) but I woke up one morning and a new hope, a new motivation, a new look on life hit me...the scan for my brother and sister-in-law's baby.

They had their 12 week scan and sent through the pictures, and there I just saw this miracle right before my eyes, a 15cm all living, all breathing magnificent baby-with its feet in the air and hands my his/her head chilling away in her womb. Amazing. It's incredible, something so small growing inside of her and that in 6 months it'll be out in the world...and I'll be an Auntie. God knows this child already, before any of us even know its sex. How astounding is that?!

So, my mood lifted and so did the music...from quietly depressing to joyful music...and a new thought process...I'm going to be an Auntie and God is amazing!! That baby has got to be one of the most amazing miracles ever, all babies are...we all are.

Hazy shade of mind...

I have not written much recently, but it does not mean that my mind hasn't been full of thoughts or my life no longer full of dilemmas. In fact, both are the reasons why I haven't written recently, my mind has been too full to put into comprehensible words, actually the number of drafts I have has begun to pile up with the number of unfinished entries to match the number of unfinished thoughts I appear to have.

Let's start with my current state of mind, and believe me it's an odd one. The essay due for tomorrow) has once again drained me of all optimism, strength and brain cells, I can no longer process what it is I am meant to write, but perhaps after blogging and getting all this weight off my mind there will be (somewhere at the back) some remnants of helpful essay thoughts. In my utter desperation and helplessness I slumped on my desk with my head in my hands, utterly stuck and it was when a friend hugged me and held me that it hit me, there are three things anyone needs to survive in this life.

1. God. Whilst curled up, like a child on my bed, trying to take myself somewhere else I asked God never to leave me and he replied "I never have and I never will". Good, because I cannot cope without Him, I cannot do this whole uni thing without Him. He is my rock.
2. Friends and Family-they count as one, because your family should be your friends too. Without the physical presence of friends and someone to hold you and just lay there next to you and just be there, you'd feel more alone and upset than before.
3. Character. You have to have character to get through this life, passivity will get you nowhere and it is only by trying that we succeed or fail. Either way.

These are the things I believe I need and I have to get through life. Every time I look on my ceiling I see these words "NEVER GIVE UP" and I smile, because I know that it is there for moments like that. So, with my mind slowly becoming less hazy I'm once again going to try at this essay.

I just want to stand on a mountain or run across a valley and feel freedom again, not my gilded cage of essays and uni work. I'm a first year student, and I'm sure no-one else felt like this, being an English student makes it worse I'm sure, because I give way to poetic license far too often! Next time I blog, I'll fill you in on all the rest...Yippee!!

Relationships...

Well, yesterday was a long day of getting up early and working hard, it was a beautiful day and one cannot help but smile when the sun is out. To me everything seems better in the world, people seem happier, they look better and there is just something about God's glorious sun that makes you want to get up, go outside and admire nature...well it does for me anyway! I can't wait 'til summer!!

Yesterday I had a really good conversation with a friend, who is also my ex boyfriend. Now you're either thinking one of two things at this point...oh dear the dreaded ex or ooo the ex eh? Neither would be right, 'the ex' has been given such negative connotations that to so many people it seems odd being good friends with them. But I thinking about it after, if every relationship is based on friendship (which I fully believe it should be) then why does the friendship not last after the relationship for so many? Sometimes it is clear that there are still feelings and hurt but if all ended relatively well and there are no feelings left other than those of friendship-why should it be viewed strangely?

All that aside, I come now to my point which my friend brought up...he said something along the lines of 'you need someone that can spiritually lead even you' now that's slightly paraphrased but the emphasis was pretty much the same. It wasn't said maliciously, I know my friend and he is the sort of blunt friend you need to help put perspective into things. Whether you agree or not I still think it's important that the man leads, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable and being that damsel in distress every now and again-I'm pretty sure guys like to step up to the challenge of being chivalrous.

My friend has a perfect example of this...Whilst in London on one of the escalators she fell over and lost her shoe, her shoe went flying across the station. Hobbling to go get it a man picks up the shoe and not only gives it to her, but kneels down and places it on her foot and walks on. Cinderella or what? He could have walked on, walked past but he was a true gentleman and helped 'the damsel in distress'.

It's not inferior to be vulnerable, every woman needs their hero likewise every man needs a woman "Behind every good man, there is a woman". I like to think and hope that chivalry still exists and hasn't vanished, that there are guys out there who will be a gentleman. So guys, don't let chivalry die out, it never goes unnoticed.

I'd want a guy that could make decisions, that could be relied upon and would be able to help me when I needed it, but that does sometimes mean that we have to step back and give them the chance, encourage them where necessary and be supportive.

From a christian point of view, it is so important that both people are spiritually on fire, otherwise one could drag the other down (so to speak) and then both would end up in a place where neither wants to go. Personally, I'd want to be led by someone who was strong in theology and one that could teach me a lot, yet I could teach them things to, about being pastoral about my gifts, and bring whatever it is that I have to offer. I want someone who will keep me safe spiritually and in the normal day things. Every guy loves to be protective and every girl loves to feel protected.

I used to think having a relationship had to be practical, had to start at a good time, at a good age, in the right place, but now I know relationships are not practical and maybe they never will be. They are time consuming and draining and it takes a lot to put yourself on the edge, but it's all fully worth it...every moment makes it. Practicality is a very minor part of relationships, at least that's what I've learnt.

A relationship is not just...let's see how it goes or I like you and you like me...it's about the future-can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? Otherwise, what's the point? You've had your few months, your few years and then what? You break up and that whole time was just spent giving part of your heart away, another part of your heart that some lucky person could have had? I used to think I could do what my brother had done and the first relationship I had would be the last, the first kiss and the last...but now, my path has led me somewhere new. My best friend is getting married soon and she got her fairy tale relationship, but for me it's just not like that.

We all have our paths to follow, mine is something new, something different, something tailor fitted for me and only God know what it is and who will be with me. Thank goodness he knows my size, shape and my perfect match! My heart is in capable hands with Him.

"I can't get no sleep" [Faithless]...

I went to go for an early night, yet my heart and mind were having none of it. They were full of thoughts, crushing me and getting to the point of implosion if not explosion!

It's amazing how many little lessons I seem to learn in one day, well at least my blog will be different daily! I have been back 3 days and already I am feeling drained-emotionally and physically. There are a few cures in life that work for me when it comes to clearing my head...

1. Run. You're adrenaline is pumping, music blaring-spurring you on, wind rushing in your face and with every heavy foot step another problem is gone. (Until you stop)
2. Walking. Walking and talking it through and praying takes it all away, brings a peace, a freedom and a time of reflection. Time to think.
3. Water. Free flowing water, whether it be a shower or the rain, it pouring over you seems to 'wash' every care away, makes you feel cleaner...better

I've done all three tonight, as I have been so angry (I'm ashamed to say) with people and with life and dare I say it with my loving and faithful God. I was strongly aware of the injustice I felt for being scapegoated and made some strong melodramatic and irrational claims whilst walking and talking.

As much as I love university there are times where I wish I were somewhere else, but this is where I'm meant to be. After half an hour of walking at a ridiculously late hour on my own (my mother would be appalled!), I headed back and felt at peace again. Only to feel stifled by my 4 walls reminding me of the anger I had, but I opened the window, prayed and I am at peace again, bad feelings all gone.

No early night, but my head will hit the pillow and sleep will be gladly received.

Once again I've learnt to rely on God and that without Him I have nothing and am nothing-which may seem a strange concept, but He is my soul purpose.

What's yours?

Too many topics for a simple title...

No rest for the wicked or indeed for the saved!

I knew coming back to uni would mean that drama would soon be on the horizon but I never dreamed/thought that it would hit early on a Monday morning! I woke up to a shocking text and the remnants of the drama left at home, but also I woke up to a Facebook email that was encouraging and answered plenty of questions and to be honest choked me a little!

It's just nice to know (as I have said previously) that someone is thinking of you and is happy to give advice and happy to listen and answer any problems or questions I have, whether it's out of genuine care or nosiness...it's lovely to feel loved! That's one thing I must encourage you on (reader, whoever you may be) if you ever feel like you should randomlly talk to someone, send a letter, just send something saying thinking of you or whatever, do it. Because I can't think of any time, where someone would not appreciate it.

...

God is having a field day! Literally He must be loving this funny chain of events, and just loving how I'm going to react. Testing me over and over again, as if not getting what I wanted wasn't enough, He is now giving me excess of what I don't want.

(I'm remaining cryptic)

WOW! Someone at uni has just got engaged which is bizarre because a few months ago everything was so different, so me shining as a single woman is definately getting harder and I think God knows this.

God knows I want a relationship, God knows I want someone to love me and be there for me and me to want to do the same and more to the point God is giving me the opportunities, but none that I want and when I think about it-He is teaching me to be patient.

Patience-that horrible word that I have learnt time and time again, but God still feels He needs to teach me, just because it makes me push harder into Him and lean further into Him and makes me amazingly uncomfortable! Gradually hour by hour as the talk of fiancees and boyfriends gets talked of more and more, the more I need God, the more likely it is that I will end up on my knees.

Being single is hard and it is my adventure for the next...goodness knows how long.

So how does one cope with it?

Like I said run to God, lean into Him, be patient.

One day, many years from now (I'm sure!) I may look back and wish for singleness again, for time to myself and time to look out for just me. I will look back as I have done previously and be proud of the lesson(s) I've learnt in patience.