Identity...

"We Enter Relationships As A Somebody And Leave Them As A Nobody"

was the name that popped up on my computer as a friend signed in today, and it got me thinking about identity. Clearly she seemed to think that she only had an identity or was somebody when she was in a relationship and that once that was taken away she was a nobody.

When are girls going to learn that relationships and guys don't define who we are? They may just aid us in the life long journey of helping bring out our character more. There is such a sense of self-worthlessness nowadays. I was watching a programme earlier with 5 people who all struggled with self-esteem and the things they did in order to cover it up-literally.

Why is it that people so often put their identity in places and people that are no good for them, I know that I myself struggle with identity, that I'd love a relationship and a guy but to base all my life and personality on that person? To be so ruled and subjected to such a person seems strange to me. It shouldn't be other people that define our identity, they can help influence it and help us grow but define us? Practically own our identity-no, that's not how it's meant to be.

My heart is constantly aching for the girls of this world who struggle with identity and I am not pretending I know who I am completely, but I'm happy to know that I am a child of God and that I was made this way for a reason (what reason-I don't know). It's getting harder and harder to spend my life watching these girls get more and more obsessed with hair, make-up, image, guys etc, but what can I do? I want to make a difference, to be different but how?

One thing that stuck out in this documentary I watched was this quote from a guy, talking about women wearing make-up and that it wasn't needed:

"The only time a guy notices if a girl is wearing make-up is when she's wearing too much. We wouldn't notice it if you only had a bit on."-They wouldn't notice-meaning they'd think you're beautiful anyway! So why slap LOADS on?

My challenge: love yourself for yourself and don't spend a lifetime of trying to impress someone else, they should love you for you. Be radical-wear make-up on special occasions, so a guy falls in love with your real face and is pleasantly surprised when he sees you even more dolled up. Even I can learn from that as well.

Time for a Breather?

WOW! What a challenging weekend full of inspirational talks, challenges, an amazing time enjoying God's presence and a wonderful time of fellowship.

I did have a few wrong motivations for going, but having brought them before the Lord, I know that however many wrong motives I had at least I was honest enough to bring them to him. Either way, He blessed me with an amazing weekend and teaching that was "coincidentally" relevant! More likely Godincidental!

The teaching was done by Steve Tibbert, David Stroud and Terry Virgo...

Steve began the weekend by giving some background as to how life was before the freedom of the spirit became "acceptable" and how the generation before ours had different battles to face and how they affronted them.

David Stroud's main meeting preach inspired me to consider church planting, something I think I've always been interested in, but perhaps need to think more about in the future and need to pray into. Having seen both Ben and Jon in church plants, there is an appeal to it-having seen both sides of the fence as it were.

His student and twenties meeting was one of the major thought-provokers of the weekend asking that convicting question:

What race are you running and how are you running it?

He instantly suggested-to get a degree for the glory of God and I was instantly like "If anyone asks I'll steal that one!" But having thought more about it at the time and later on, I realised that I need to think harder as to what my race is and what I'm aiming for...eventually heaven but before death parts me-What am I heading for? There are I believe several races I need to run in order to reach that glorious finish line. Like stages in the Tour de France.

I do want to get a degree and then go on to inspire and motivate teenagers to make something of their lives, through teaching English. Where? I'd love the challenge of inner city London schools and then later church planting? A different nation? Africa? Marriage. Children-to pass wise words on (as well as good looks obviously!) and have those proud parental moments.

David Stroud was full of challenges this weekend that really cut to the heart and sent conviction rushing through my blood...

How do we achieve extraordinary things for Jesus?

Are you prepared to throw off the good to achieve the great?

this one particularly:

Are you prepared to be your own person/the person Jesus wants you to be?

Too often have I hidden and attempted to grow in the shadow of my family, and whilst parts of my identity are built within them, university is surely the perfect place in which to get into the sunshine and start to grow. You need courage to be yourself.

What it boils down to is this...what are we focusing on? We need to focus on God-because when we focus on the bad things that's all we see and it all feels too much.

When we focus on God everything else fits into its exact place, not like when we take over and try and jam a jigsaw piece in the right spot which is blatantly wrong.

Today's last meeting was Terry Virgo, a person that at a younger age I would have complained at having to sit through, but now older and more mature, I could see the anointing God has on his life and the wisdom he shared was excellent. His challenges made me tear up during the preach and feel this tug, that was prophesied before hand by Wendy. A tug that I need to be in Canterbury, that Sidcup and NCC is not my home for now, and that I may go back one day and return but for now, right now Canterbury needs to be my home.

The weekend helped put into perspective what my focus needs to be on, so much of the time it appears to be on the same old things, the same person I like and the same old issues of work and self-esteem. But if I just focus my eyes on God I will see nothing else-like looking into the sun directly.

So no, this is not the time to take a breather, I've had my chance, now is the time to take the plunge, the focus on that sea floor that I'm diving for. To look to God, to let all other things wash over me, to let God take control of work, love and life.

A friend in need...

In crisis situations it's amazing to see how they all pan out and who does what. Everyone seems to team together and perhaps all signs of previous tensions dissipate and people unite.

To see someone you know and love in pain is horrible, to see them cry is even more so-particularly when it's a rarity. I've never really met a braver or stronger person than this one, she amazed me at how much she was willing to go through not to make a fuss and how much she tried to fight the pain.

In the situation that occurred tonight, it helped me see that friendships are important, and I'd like to think if it were me in her position I'd have people like she did and you know what? I do. I saw it tonight and I would truly do almost anything for these guys just to see them better or happier. I felt so helpless, and to me I could only offer prayer, which seemed ridiculous at the time. I was busy praying in my head, mumbling, and then out of character for me and a complete revelation I offered to pray out loud and to my surprise she said go for it and others agreed. It may not have helped the outcome overall, but I do believe for a moment there was a peace in that room that made everyone feel a little bit more at ease. It was amazing. Thank you God, for giving me courage and for protecting my friend and thank you for the amazing friends you've blessed me with.

The rest of the night consisted of the waiting game, we discussed Plan A and Plan B, withdrew money, bought energy food and planned how to get to wherever with what we had. Without someone with me I would have worried to death and felt on edge all night, but a friend with me is a friend indeed and a friend at a time of need is a very good friend indeed.

Friendship is a thing to cherish and it is truly an amazing thing to know someone will be there for you when you need them most.

When you get left out...make sure you get left in...

Only a quick one, my head hurts and I feel shattered, which sucks because I decided not to go out with friends and to sleep instead(which I will do once I'm off of here).

But recently I feel as though my closest friends are beginning to slip away and I feel more left out. Sometimes it is my fault-where there are so many changes and I've failed to keep up with them.

The more things they do, the more I feel I have to keep up with them and the more I feel like I'm getting pushed to the side. I enter in and feel like I'm interrupting something. So what does one do?

Do you give up, find new people, spend all your time alone? I can't do that.

So you have to get back in "the game" and trying harder, trying to be around more and sacrificing the little things.

My next latest challenge is my church's w/e away do I go despite it's not my church anymore, it's just the one I grew up in? What are my reasons for going? What will I get out of it?

Life is full of decisions, like me deciding to walk to church today, was amazing. Sitting by the river in the peace and quiet and reading or deciding to get an early night, so that I can cope for the rest of the week despite having had tonnes of sleep already this weekend.

We all make so many decisions, some that make a big difference and others that are inconsequential, seemingly.

In the quiet place...

Having posted the address for my blog on Facebook, (for reasons unknown) I must now have the sense to not be quite so personal and certainly not so obvious in stating events and situations and to not disclose too many particulars!

I've not been very busy since I last wrote, but that does not mean my faith has not been tested and that challenges have not come my way, indeed quite the opposite. Aside from the relatively mundane life of going into uni and coming out there have been tests of friendship, sanity and maturity that I have had to deal with. Drama again, it never seems to depart.

Positively, I have had a good deal of time to myself, something I longed to improve on in this second term. It may sound selfish and anti-social but it is always nice to have some time to oneself! In this time I've managed to reflect and given particular subjects to God, for His hands are the most capable I know of and I have been truly blessed from doing such a thing, already. Isn't it amazing how God blesses us, despite being so undeserving?

But changing subject rapidly and bringing it down a level in negativity-although quiet times are beneficial and spending time with God or relaxing is important and priority I feel I miss out on the bonds that are built between friends and also I feel like I get more and more pushed to the side. But despite these negative thoughts I am inclined to look at the positive and hope that my quiet times will continue to improve and that through, this my bonds with others will improve as blessing. Is that too selfish to ask?

Back in Canterbury...

Well, I'm back reader. Back in the place where I know I should be, with a pinch of sadness for the place and the people I left behind but an optimism that will help me stay motivated and focused on God hopefully.

I've been hit with illness already so day 1 hasn't been the greatest start, I've spent most of the day sleeping and feeling groggy as my head continually throbs to its own crazy beat.

What I left behind in hindsight will still be there when I come back, my supportive family who I thank the Lord to have been blessed with:

A mum who prayed with me and wrote me a card.

A dad who helps me academically and prays for me.

Brothers and sisters-in law (surrogate sister incl.) who pray and support me.

Without my family life would be a lot harder, I think of all the people out there who are not as fortunate as me to have the incredible family I have and I thank God for this awesome blessing!

It's been nice to catch up with everyone and hear all their latest stories, the majority being of a new 'love' in their lives. Depressing in the sense that I have as yet, no boyfriend etc but then you look in the grand scheme of things and you think...how many of these relationship are actually purposely heading for or are likely to reach marriage? A goal that I can wait patiently for.

I've already said I'd go to New Year Celebration in cell on Thursday, Church Membership night and possibly a big church event. So life in the church is looking more and more positive! Start as you mean to go on!

So this is how life in Canterbury starts...

Packing Life into Boxes, again...

I have the perfect surrounding for this post...sitting against my radiator in my bare and empty bedroom with only one light on in the corner and Phil Collins playing in the background!!

I'm struggling to compete with the actual reality that I have to go back to Canterbury in about half an hour, I'm nervous because tensions were definately mounting last term and to be honest in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment I just want to get some work done and get this degree over with.
I know that when I get back I'll soon settle back down into the norm of the life I left behind a month ago, but as for right now? Rational thinking has been thrown out of the window.

Just packing my life away to continue the other life at uni gets me emotional, I had to come before God on my knees and cry just to let it out, and even now I have tears welling up at the thought that I have to go back, I'm not sure what it is that upsets me. Dearest reader, please don't think me melodramatic, because as of now this is the vulnerable state I am in. With distant thoughts of unimportant things in my head also.

My life here is comfortable and fun, people know me and I know them. I live a relatively easy life with food and money a blase thing. Church=easy. Interacting=easy. Time alone=easy. Guys=never easy! ha ha.

Reader, if you had seen the size of my head you'd be amazed at how much I can fit in such a small head!! One of God's many wonderments!

I almost feel like running away from reality or perhaps living in Sidcup all my life with the same people and never growing up, think there's a place like that actually. Hmmmm...Neverland perhaps, think it's in the Bermuda Triangle somewhere-lots of chavs I hear. Wow, I am sad, I actually chuckled at that!

Life seemed to have taken a great turn over this w/e and I guess on the optimistic side, it's a great way to end it. My whole family being around was amazing and just felt so nice to have them all around me again, especially as going back I'll have none of them.

Oh dear, the tears are back.

But what I take solace in is this...My God loves me, He told me so today and no matter how scared, worried or lonely I feel He is always there even when I'm let down by friends, He's still there. He'll be with me when my parents leave me tonight in that cold room that seems so bare and lonely. He'll be there when I catch up with friends tonight, He'll be there when I sleep tonight.

He'll always be there and He always has. My steadfast and loving, incredible friend like no other.

Short but maybe not so sweet...

Got the party tonight and my self esteem is low as usual before most parties, but especially fancy dress ones. It is a real skill to have something really stupid on and still manage to pull it off, a skill I feel I haven't got. Tonight I think most of the girls will be wearing dresses all vintage/retro but all looking awesome! I have the dilemma of wearing a 50's dress feeling pretty and perhaps blending in OR a 70's all in one jumpsuit and trying to look pretty in the process.

I'm going to wear the latter because it is 70's and is more fancy dress than the first, and yeah I'll act as if I feel good in it. But secretly I'll be wishing most of the night to look like the other girls and perhaps regret wearing it at all! What a difficult life us girls appear to have! Such a trivial matter, but hey if I can pull this off perhaps I'll feel better about myself by the end. Alternatively it could have the opposite effect!

Only a quick one, beauty takes time...

Two completely random topics...

So, it's been a long day and I didn't manage to fit in everything I wanted to fit in, but I managed to see a friend who I haven't caught up with in a while, it was good to catch up with her actually.

Especially as she's the reason that I decided to change my ways and become a better friend, then I was to her, she was the person that told me where I had done her wrong and without those blunt words I probably would have carried on being a bad friend to my new friends now. So in a way, whether she knows it or not she's my inspiration/motivation and the reason that I've become a new person.

It was great to catch up and see how we've grown up and it really does make you think how quickly life goes by particularly as she's getting married in June. It just goes to show, that life goes by so quickly and it shows even more so that we should take as many opportunities as possible and not be ruled by fear.

On a completely different note and far from the original topic...I'm feeling rather hesitant about going back to Canterbury, probably (as previously mentioned I'm sure) it is so easy to be comfortable here, to feel like I fit in and have a good group of friends. I'm struggling to cope with the concept, that a. I will have to work when I get back and b. life will get that little bit harder. I almost can't imagine being back at uni and not feeling homesick, even though I managed to do the whole first term.It feels like I've taken a few steps forward and a thousand steps back and I'll be starting all over again.

On the up side other people are feeling the same. It just always seems that something good starts to happen and that's when my time ends and I have to go back. But for now I'm just going to REALLY enjoy myself tonight at the party and just enjoy it and hope that the next time I'm back, no-one will have forgotten me! I know Canterbury's where I'm meant to be, but I guess Sidcup is always going to be a place I will be so attached to.

Compassion...

So I have three conversations up at the moment on msn and in the background a song that brings back painful memories, so naturally my mind is restless.

Two conversations are general banter, a series of sarcastic comments and witty repartee. The third is the gut wrenching story of how our world is breaking down and crumbling at the edges. And yet it is just a drop in the ocean, there are stories much worse and people feeling much worse, feeling helpless, if only they knew about their Saviour.

This girl's story is one that always touched me. I see it in her actions and hear it in her tone of voice or simply the words she is saying. She feels lost and lonely. She tells me that her boyfriend has just dumped her for "not telling him anything"-I smell insecurity or guilt and that there is simply more to that statement than she would have herself believe. She tells me that they broke up a while ago and he got with 3 other girls during the break up period...of just one week. And yet she is with him again? I think she's trapped, longing to be loved and feel security again as everything else has crumbled at her feet.

Here's the background...Her mum ran away, picked up her stuff and left. Her dad looked after her, she lost her friends through lies, became pregnant-got an abortion...mum got a fiance and had a son, her dad got married and her sister moved in with boyfriend. Dad now moving to France, Mum up north and sister in Hampshire.

And her? In limbo. Fancy feeling that stretched, no wonder she looks for love in the arms of a guy, I bet right now she feels so alone. Poor girl. If only she knew God.

...

I can count the number of girls who seek love and security in guys and always it seems, the wrong guys. I know many who are trapped in manipulative relationships, too blinded by love to see the reality and get free, until it's too late and half their life has been wasted. And those women that degrade themselves and make themselves believe they are worthless, and allow themselves to become doormats walked on by men.

I am not saying dear reader, that men are always to blame. Far from it, I am aware of what women can do, and both sexes are capable of heartache and heartbreak.

However my compassion in this post is simply this:
I want to see women freed, from a degrading, downward spiralling, low self-esteem dominated life. I want to see them released and able to rely on nothing but God and even if they won't believe in Him, I want to see them at least stand on their own two feet and realise that each one of us is precious. And there is a God who knows the very hairs on our heads and loves us all. I don't want to see girls get entangled in these lies, the lies of the world-that they will never be good enough, or look good enough, or will never be loved etc. Too many times I myself have been there and too many scars (mentally) have I received in the process.

Do I dream of the impossible and reach beyond my grasp?
It is not my place to say, but I guess faith in God is the perfect answer.

Pass or fail? Constant.

Well, reader I failed my test. I hate that phrasing actually...I didn't pass my driving test. Over something pretty ridiculous, I caused a van to go up the kerb etc other than that I got 9 minors.
But like I said pass or fail, I actually did it, which is more than I would have done a year ago. God answered my prayers last night, I feel so much better this morning, He helped me as I was on my test, He blessed me with a nice examiner who chatted to me.

So despite feeling a little disappointed in myself there is so much to be thankful for. I have a God who loves me, who never left me this morning, who blessed me with a peace and I cannot be mad at Him, what right do I have. After all he has done for me, including sending His one and only son to die on the cross!? Can't get any more sacrificial than that!

I know I keep saying it but...how awesome is God, that He would be so faithful and loving.

A peace like no other...

The night before my driving test, I was a little emotional/nervous but after being prayed for and praying also, the peace of God is now upon me and I'm pretty calm. How awesome is that, I know that tomorrow I will be nervous again, but I can pray again and through this I feel closer to God.

It's amazing how you can feel closer to God in times of need and it is so easy to ask for help, but what about all the other times? When everything is going well? He deserves just as much praise, yet sometimes we forget because of how well everything is going.

The best thing about tomorrow is...that I know that God will not desert me, He knows how it will go tomorrow, every thought, every decision I make and what greater hands to have it in? I can't survive without God, I don't understand how people go through life trusting themselves and that's it. I can't do it. I need God. That's all there is to it.

Tomorrow is not just a driving test, it's the chance for me to move on, to put behind me this fear, this crippling fear of all things new and scary, to put my faith and trust 100% in God and to see where it takes me.

Whether I pass or fail is no longer the point (although it is part of it) it's about how much I trust in God and whether I'm willing to put all I've got into Him. And yes, I am willing.

The test tomorrow is His. Now for a peaceful night-I have faith that I'll have one!

There is no strength like God's

Having sat on the sofa today, duvet sprawled over me, head throbbing, aching all over and obviously looking undeniably great (sarcasm) it gives me time to reflect.

It makes me long for heaven where there will be no sickness HALLELUJAH!
"We will meet Him in the air, and then we will be like Him, for in His glory we will live..." as the song and scriptures say.
Of course, this could be the devil trying to win the battle over me, and the fact that my driving test is tomorrow. What desperate prayers I have prayed to my faithful and loving God. He has answered my prayers and caused me to stay calm over the last few days and not to worry.

For as it says in His word, "Do not worry about anything, but instead pray about everything and the peace of God, that passeth all understanding, will be upon you." (Paraphrased by moi) These are my favourite words and such helpful words also.

And may God give me strength in my test tomorrow, "For I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

As the new year begins, so do a whole new host of blogs. That will help aid me in writing down my feelings, as opposed to events that have happened and such trivial goings on.

2009 Targets...

My targets/aims for 2009:

• To fully focus on God and be continually passionate for him.



• To become and continue being an active member of City church-get involved (youth work).



• To not fall into the common female trap of thinking and worrying about males too much
  



• To try my hardest at uni and work hard.

Rapidly changing subject, I went to my favourite place today (one of)...Foots Cray Meadows. It's fantastic to 'find' God as it were and hear him and be with them. Nature is wonderful and continues to amaze me and takes me back to the Maker and Creator. How can all of it just be created by the Big Bang, by something so ridiculously 'simple'?