I seem to have so many drafts from writing over the last couple of days but not publishing them, I guess that kind of reflects my mood recently. This time being back home has not been the fairy tale I thought it would be and my thoughts as a result have been all over the place and bouncing from one subject to another as rapid as light and sound you might say. Part of me wishes that I could tell you of all these thoughts, but I know that if I get too personal someone will either find my details and call the mental asylum or any friends that read this will cut all links with me and I will be alone.
I went to bed talking to God and I finally made a decision about a very important situation in my life at the moment, one that it if I continue to keep God in the centre will hopefully be easier to bear and will hopefully keep my heart guarded and prevent its being broken. But that decision was a tough one and I still fear that I will not be able to deal with it...but anything is possible with Christ who strengthens me. It's funny, God knows exactly how we feel and knows what we're going through...but (this has just struck me) how does he know about "guy problems", Jesus never liked a guy, Jesus never had to guard his heart from 21st century guys, although he did know the challenges of being single.
But God created my emotions and knows all my fine tuning (Psalm 139 is proof), I guess that answers my question then . The one thing I can say positively is that despite only having been home for 3 days, what I am learning is equipping me for life back at uni. At Emerge I felt pressed to bring something, it was like a burning sensation all through my body a heavy burden like none I've ever experienced, I've never felt so scared in my life, my body was shaking all over and it was so humbling to be brought down to such a vulnerable level just to bring God's prophetic word. Even after bringing it I was nervous and shaking, I couldn't compose myself for a long time, God shook me up and helped me to finally use my gift of the prophetic instead of keeping in. It's so easy to desire a growth in gifts, to desire to be a mighty prophet, a mighty healer, but it requires sacrifice, humbling yourself and yesterday God took my normal confident self and made me see that I need to be humble and make myself vulnerable sometimes. Yet I ask Him this...why can I not cry in front of people, and make myself vulnerable that way? It would be easier! I am vulnerable in front of my Lord and in the long run that is all that matters, it is not asked of me to be vulnerable in front of anyone else. Reader, I said I would not be personal, and as you have read the above I think it is clear I have touched upon the personal, but that is just the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid, there is so much more depth to me.Just a snippet of how complex a woman's mind can be...sorry! Music never seems to help in these cases either, it's always the sad songs that come on, that make you more pensive about the thing you were desperately trying to forget or they just make you feel down for no reason. You then end up in a cycle of feeling the same way, until the mood passes and then magically all the happy songs start to play! Sometimes I wish I were more musically minded, so then I could write songs instead of sub standard poems and blogs! But while I have a love of writing I might as well stick to the writing I know...in blogs, poems, stories and letters.
I went to bed talking to God and I finally made a decision about a very important situation in my life at the moment, one that it if I continue to keep God in the centre will hopefully be easier to bear and will hopefully keep my heart guarded and prevent its being broken. But that decision was a tough one and I still fear that I will not be able to deal with it...but anything is possible with Christ who strengthens me. It's funny, God knows exactly how we feel and knows what we're going through...but (this has just struck me) how does he know about "guy problems", Jesus never liked a guy, Jesus never had to guard his heart from 21st century guys, although he did know the challenges of being single.
But God created my emotions and knows all my fine tuning (Psalm 139 is proof), I guess that answers my question then . The one thing I can say positively is that despite only having been home for 3 days, what I am learning is equipping me for life back at uni. At Emerge I felt pressed to bring something, it was like a burning sensation all through my body a heavy burden like none I've ever experienced, I've never felt so scared in my life, my body was shaking all over and it was so humbling to be brought down to such a vulnerable level just to bring God's prophetic word. Even after bringing it I was nervous and shaking, I couldn't compose myself for a long time, God shook me up and helped me to finally use my gift of the prophetic instead of keeping in. It's so easy to desire a growth in gifts, to desire to be a mighty prophet, a mighty healer, but it requires sacrifice, humbling yourself and yesterday God took my normal confident self and made me see that I need to be humble and make myself vulnerable sometimes. Yet I ask Him this...why can I not cry in front of people, and make myself vulnerable that way? It would be easier! I am vulnerable in front of my Lord and in the long run that is all that matters, it is not asked of me to be vulnerable in front of anyone else. Reader, I said I would not be personal, and as you have read the above I think it is clear I have touched upon the personal, but that is just the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid, there is so much more depth to me.Just a snippet of how complex a woman's mind can be...sorry! Music never seems to help in these cases either, it's always the sad songs that come on, that make you more pensive about the thing you were desperately trying to forget or they just make you feel down for no reason. You then end up in a cycle of feeling the same way, until the mood passes and then magically all the happy songs start to play! Sometimes I wish I were more musically minded, so then I could write songs instead of sub standard poems and blogs! But while I have a love of writing I might as well stick to the writing I know...in blogs, poems, stories and letters.
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