Relationships...

Well, yesterday was a long day of getting up early and working hard, it was a beautiful day and one cannot help but smile when the sun is out. To me everything seems better in the world, people seem happier, they look better and there is just something about God's glorious sun that makes you want to get up, go outside and admire nature...well it does for me anyway! I can't wait 'til summer!!

Yesterday I had a really good conversation with a friend, who is also my ex boyfriend. Now you're either thinking one of two things at this point...oh dear the dreaded ex or ooo the ex eh? Neither would be right, 'the ex' has been given such negative connotations that to so many people it seems odd being good friends with them. But I thinking about it after, if every relationship is based on friendship (which I fully believe it should be) then why does the friendship not last after the relationship for so many? Sometimes it is clear that there are still feelings and hurt but if all ended relatively well and there are no feelings left other than those of friendship-why should it be viewed strangely?

All that aside, I come now to my point which my friend brought up...he said something along the lines of 'you need someone that can spiritually lead even you' now that's slightly paraphrased but the emphasis was pretty much the same. It wasn't said maliciously, I know my friend and he is the sort of blunt friend you need to help put perspective into things. Whether you agree or not I still think it's important that the man leads, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable and being that damsel in distress every now and again-I'm pretty sure guys like to step up to the challenge of being chivalrous.

My friend has a perfect example of this...Whilst in London on one of the escalators she fell over and lost her shoe, her shoe went flying across the station. Hobbling to go get it a man picks up the shoe and not only gives it to her, but kneels down and places it on her foot and walks on. Cinderella or what? He could have walked on, walked past but he was a true gentleman and helped 'the damsel in distress'.

It's not inferior to be vulnerable, every woman needs their hero likewise every man needs a woman "Behind every good man, there is a woman". I like to think and hope that chivalry still exists and hasn't vanished, that there are guys out there who will be a gentleman. So guys, don't let chivalry die out, it never goes unnoticed.

I'd want a guy that could make decisions, that could be relied upon and would be able to help me when I needed it, but that does sometimes mean that we have to step back and give them the chance, encourage them where necessary and be supportive.

From a christian point of view, it is so important that both people are spiritually on fire, otherwise one could drag the other down (so to speak) and then both would end up in a place where neither wants to go. Personally, I'd want to be led by someone who was strong in theology and one that could teach me a lot, yet I could teach them things to, about being pastoral about my gifts, and bring whatever it is that I have to offer. I want someone who will keep me safe spiritually and in the normal day things. Every guy loves to be protective and every girl loves to feel protected.

I used to think having a relationship had to be practical, had to start at a good time, at a good age, in the right place, but now I know relationships are not practical and maybe they never will be. They are time consuming and draining and it takes a lot to put yourself on the edge, but it's all fully worth it...every moment makes it. Practicality is a very minor part of relationships, at least that's what I've learnt.

A relationship is not just...let's see how it goes or I like you and you like me...it's about the future-can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? Otherwise, what's the point? You've had your few months, your few years and then what? You break up and that whole time was just spent giving part of your heart away, another part of your heart that some lucky person could have had? I used to think I could do what my brother had done and the first relationship I had would be the last, the first kiss and the last...but now, my path has led me somewhere new. My best friend is getting married soon and she got her fairy tale relationship, but for me it's just not like that.

We all have our paths to follow, mine is something new, something different, something tailor fitted for me and only God know what it is and who will be with me. Thank goodness he knows my size, shape and my perfect match! My heart is in capable hands with Him.

"I can't get no sleep" [Faithless]...

I went to go for an early night, yet my heart and mind were having none of it. They were full of thoughts, crushing me and getting to the point of implosion if not explosion!

It's amazing how many little lessons I seem to learn in one day, well at least my blog will be different daily! I have been back 3 days and already I am feeling drained-emotionally and physically. There are a few cures in life that work for me when it comes to clearing my head...

1. Run. You're adrenaline is pumping, music blaring-spurring you on, wind rushing in your face and with every heavy foot step another problem is gone. (Until you stop)
2. Walking. Walking and talking it through and praying takes it all away, brings a peace, a freedom and a time of reflection. Time to think.
3. Water. Free flowing water, whether it be a shower or the rain, it pouring over you seems to 'wash' every care away, makes you feel cleaner...better

I've done all three tonight, as I have been so angry (I'm ashamed to say) with people and with life and dare I say it with my loving and faithful God. I was strongly aware of the injustice I felt for being scapegoated and made some strong melodramatic and irrational claims whilst walking and talking.

As much as I love university there are times where I wish I were somewhere else, but this is where I'm meant to be. After half an hour of walking at a ridiculously late hour on my own (my mother would be appalled!), I headed back and felt at peace again. Only to feel stifled by my 4 walls reminding me of the anger I had, but I opened the window, prayed and I am at peace again, bad feelings all gone.

No early night, but my head will hit the pillow and sleep will be gladly received.

Once again I've learnt to rely on God and that without Him I have nothing and am nothing-which may seem a strange concept, but He is my soul purpose.

What's yours?

Too many topics for a simple title...

No rest for the wicked or indeed for the saved!

I knew coming back to uni would mean that drama would soon be on the horizon but I never dreamed/thought that it would hit early on a Monday morning! I woke up to a shocking text and the remnants of the drama left at home, but also I woke up to a Facebook email that was encouraging and answered plenty of questions and to be honest choked me a little!

It's just nice to know (as I have said previously) that someone is thinking of you and is happy to give advice and happy to listen and answer any problems or questions I have, whether it's out of genuine care or nosiness...it's lovely to feel loved! That's one thing I must encourage you on (reader, whoever you may be) if you ever feel like you should randomlly talk to someone, send a letter, just send something saying thinking of you or whatever, do it. Because I can't think of any time, where someone would not appreciate it.

...

God is having a field day! Literally He must be loving this funny chain of events, and just loving how I'm going to react. Testing me over and over again, as if not getting what I wanted wasn't enough, He is now giving me excess of what I don't want.

(I'm remaining cryptic)

WOW! Someone at uni has just got engaged which is bizarre because a few months ago everything was so different, so me shining as a single woman is definately getting harder and I think God knows this.

God knows I want a relationship, God knows I want someone to love me and be there for me and me to want to do the same and more to the point God is giving me the opportunities, but none that I want and when I think about it-He is teaching me to be patient.

Patience-that horrible word that I have learnt time and time again, but God still feels He needs to teach me, just because it makes me push harder into Him and lean further into Him and makes me amazingly uncomfortable! Gradually hour by hour as the talk of fiancees and boyfriends gets talked of more and more, the more I need God, the more likely it is that I will end up on my knees.

Being single is hard and it is my adventure for the next...goodness knows how long.

So how does one cope with it?

Like I said run to God, lean into Him, be patient.

One day, many years from now (I'm sure!) I may look back and wish for singleness again, for time to myself and time to look out for just me. I will look back as I have done previously and be proud of the lesson(s) I've learnt in patience.

A week of adventure...

What a week?!

Highs and lows and moments where you need to catch your breath! What a fantastic week though, despite both the highs and the lows God has blessed me with an action packed, emotional rollercoaster! I love that it was so busy-meeting with people, socialising and bonding.

My weekend was fantastic, Friday I got to go pubbing and clubbing and despite emotional burdens coming down heavy on me I managed to dance the night away and come back smiling! Was a great night, full of moments that I look back on with a smile. The hen do on Saturday again was a fantastic day and despite being surrounded by married and 'taken' women I found it surprisingly unsuffocating and although I'd love what everyone one of them has, being single is my adventure for right now as today has told me...

I woke up this morning after having an unrestful last hour of sleep, I felt nervous and my gut instinct was "something's going to happen today" women's intuition is a fascinating thing? God is fantastic-He warned me.

God met with me strongly in the worship as I tried to push on into Him and lay all my troubled thoughts and nerves on to Him. The end song was a crucial part for me, singing "arms high and heart abandoned...my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours..." I sung with all my heart and as loudly as possibly with my arms stretched to the full, the inevitable that was to come at the end of the meeting now was in God's hands (it always was), but I had let go and give it to Him...my eyes fully on God. The nerves were still partially there, coming and going but when God spoke to me about what was going to happen, it wasn't good news but it was news I could prepare for nevertheless and although upsetting I was at peace.

(By the way, I'm not going to mention what all the nerves were about because it's too easy to get into in depth details and that wouldn't be fair for all involved, including me!)

When it came to it, my God was a faithful God and I was ready, I tried to act calm yet as always my mouth was dry and my heart racing, but God is a faithful God (as I've said) and He had answered my prayers, I wanted more information on a situation and He answered my prayer...could have made it easier for me though!! So although the news I received and chatted about and went through was disappointing, upsetting and maybe a little confusing, God had prepared me for it and I am ready to go back to uni-do not want to explain it all though.

My walk home was the opposite to what I thought it would be, I thought my thoughts would be dark and full of bitter disappointment, would have been focused on the negative. Instead praise was on my lips and a joy in my heart! Not because the situation called for it but because I was struck by God's love and how He is an integral part of our lives. I want to focus on God, give Him my all, just like others I know do to. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we think is 'right' or what feels like 'human instinct' and keep our eyes on our Heavenly Father.

This entry is already far too long but I'm bursting with praise, God answered my prayers this week and weekend, I got the conversation I wanted, the time I wanted, I spent a week with the people I wanted and God gave me clarity. How can I not be full of praise? When there are situations that are disappointing, we need to run to God and I do still believe that what I want to happen, will happen, just not now. I have a faithful God who has helped me guard my heart and mind and although it often wanders it always comes back to Him. It is in these situations that God wants us to find Him and draw closer to Him...so when it comes to it will you run to Him or run away?

MY GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!
If you doubt that...you don't know my God and you need to know Him better and deeper.

Limbo and a little pick me up...

University, I've been told is one of the best times of your life and probably the most challenging.

Coming home again reaffirms how tough it is, as you neither feel whole at home or at uni, you feel a little bit is missing when you're at home-uni and when you're at uni you feel a little bit is missing-home. This week is rapidly vanishing and the time I'm spending no longer seems to be my own, it's full of work and meeting with people. Whereas back at uni I know I will have too much time and so little to do. I'd rather be back at uni but at the same time rather be here-I'm in limbo.

But in a time of over analysing, far too many thoughts and so little time, it is a true blessing to get a message from a friend (who you haven't spoken to in a while) that says just the right things. Says those few words that you want to hear at a time like this...

I received a message likewise today and it was so touching, just to know that someone is thinking of you, enough so to send you a message and just to say that they are there for you and love you. It was just what I needed to read, a reassuring message because it's nice to know that someone understands! What a blessing!

It made me realise that I need to send a letter to a girl who is sinking fast into the trap of an unhelpful relationship, where she already feels she may have gone too far and her own self-esteem seems in tatters. Maybe just sending her a letter telling her how beautiful she is and valued will help her find her identity not in him but in God, by sharing my past experiences (I'm not saying I have had loads, but I've had one that may help) maybe she'll feel like someone understands, and sometimes that's all it takes...

One person to listen, one person to try, one person who can inspire, motivate and change a life.

Emotional Rollercoaster...

I seem to have so many drafts from writing over the last couple of days but not publishing them, I guess that kind of reflects my mood recently. This time being back home has not been the fairy tale I thought it would be and my thoughts as a result have been all over the place and bouncing from one subject to another as rapid as light and sound you might say. Part of me wishes that I could tell you of all these thoughts, but I know that if I get too personal someone will either find my details and call the mental asylum or any friends that read this will cut all links with me and I will be alone.

I went to bed talking to God and I finally made a decision about a very important situation in my life at the moment, one that it if I continue to keep God in the centre will hopefully be easier to bear and will hopefully keep my heart guarded and prevent its being broken. But that decision was a tough one and I still fear that I will not be able to deal with it...but anything is possible with Christ who strengthens me.

It's funny, God knows exactly how we feel and knows what we're going through...but (this has just struck me) how does he know about "guy problems", Jesus never liked a guy, Jesus never had to guard his heart from 21st century guys, although he did know the challenges of being single.

But God created my emotions and knows all my fine tuning (Psalm 139 is proof), I guess that answers my question then . The one thing I can say positively is that despite only having been home for 3 days, what I am learning is equipping me for life back at uni.

At Emerge I felt pressed to bring something, it was like a burning sensation all through my body a heavy burden like none I've ever experienced, I've never felt so scared in my life, my body was shaking all over and it was so humbling to be brought down to such a vulnerable level just to bring God's prophetic word. Even after bringing it I was nervous and shaking, I couldn't compose myself for a long time, God shook me up and helped me to finally use my gift of the prophetic instead of keeping in. It's so easy to desire a growth in gifts, to desire to be a mighty prophet, a mighty healer, but it requires sacrifice, humbling yourself and yesterday God took my normal confident self and made me see that I need to be humble and make myself vulnerable sometimes. Yet I ask Him this...why can I not cry in front of people, and make myself vulnerable that way? It would be easier! I am vulnerable in front of my Lord and in the long run that is all that matters, it is not asked of me to be vulnerable in front of anyone else.

Reader, I said I would not be personal, and as you have read the above I think it is clear I have touched upon the personal, but that is just the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid, there is so much more depth to me.

Just a snippet of how complex a woman's mind can be...sorry!

Music never seems to help in these cases either, it's always the sad songs that come on, that make you more pensive about the thing you were desperately trying to forget or they just make you feel down for no reason. You then end up in a cycle of feeling the same way, until the mood passes and then magically all the happy songs start to play!

Sometimes I wish I were more musically minded, so then I could write songs instead of sub standard poems and blogs! But while I have a love of writing I might as well stick to the writing I know...in blogs, poems, stories and letters.

Valentine's Day...

It just wouldn't be Valentine's Day, if us singletons didn't blog about it as well, can't let all you hitched and happy couples take all the glory of the day!

It is usual for most singles to be cynical about Valentine's Day and yes I am no different, I do think it is an over commercialised day that makes us singletons feel worse and the loved up couples feel better. Aside from that however, like most women I'm sure, I do dream of being 'swept off my feet' and having a romantic boyfriend/husband-like those in Jane Austen novels-that write down their feelings...in letters! Letters-that old school way of writing, not an email or a text.

Deviating HUGELY, it's amazing how much technology has changed our lives, everyone has phones, from the 10 year old school kid to the 80 year old pensioner. Nothing seems personal anymore, I love getting letters, there's just something so personal about them, something about the fact that someone has taken the time and effort to write down their thoughts and send it to you.

Short and sweet...just like Valentine's Day.

Life is a rollercoaster...you've just got to ride it?

I don't particularly expect this entry to be very coherent, so if you read this and feel clueless and confused you're pretty much in the state I'm in only better off!

Today has (to use the cliche) been a rollercoaster, it began with low motivation for church, as it always does because sleep is becoming more and more of an addiction. But once up and when actually at church I loved it! It was great to know more than just one person and the walk as always was refreshing and got my blood pumping ready for a time of fellowship and basking in God's presence. Great meeting, even told someone about the church and the meetings, whilst helping a friend on car parking duty...so all good!! Then I got halfway home and realised that I had left my bible and notebook at the school (building where church is held) and I felt so upset, lost and frustrated that the rest of the walk home was spent feeling down about it. Thinking how having spent a whole preach learning about focusing on God-how this is meant to help me? I guess me praying and talking to God about it was the first step on that path to focusing on God. Probably his irony of now my Bible's gone and I miss it even though a week ago I rarely picked it up and wouldn't have noticed if it had gone missing anyway. I do love God's irony! (I got a text later saying someone had picked it up for me-Hallelujah!)

Then went to pub for the pub quiz and enjoyed relaxing there etc and then was surprised when my friends (incl. boyf and friend) from back home came down, which was the bumpiest journey of all to put it simply-to show God's glory in the situations that happened was a challenge. All I'm going to say is two males and a lot on show and little to the imagination! (I'm a little traumatised) and it was a challenge!

So what did I learn today other than the impurity of the world...I learnt that I need God in ALL things, in EVERY circumstance and I need Him to help me through...that's a God focused life.

A world falling apart...

I know this seems to be the usual subject for me, besides guys and the general problems of life. Compassion for girls...

I watched a documentary on The Most Enhanced Women presented by Mark Dolan a little graphic but it's worth a watch,within the first 5 minutes I immediately judged these women in getting breast enhancements just for men, just for a way to earn money, but as the documentary continued it came more and more apparent that these women were trapped. Trapped in a life where they weren't happy with themselves and the way they look.

The last woman that was showed on the documentary was the saddest of all...her up-bringing was one of pain and having grown up with 11 other kids and a sick mum she clearly was overlooked and didn't receive the attentions she needed/wanted. She tried to kill herself and although was later saved by an inspirational person her life was dedicated to perfection, she was seeking perfection and wanted to feel good in herself-yet that is impossible and I can't help thinking that she would only find out that realism when it was too late and she's knocking on death's door.

The more upset she got the more my heart tugged at the thought that this beautiful woman was throwing her life and money away on the impossible quest of perfection..I just wish that these women saw the fact that they are beautiful naturally.

Although my self-esteem is low and that I wish I could alter some parts of me every now and again, watching the documentary made me just want to change women! Change women's thoughts, I get angry at how women are degrading themselves in the search for perfection, there is no such thing!! This world is tainted and there is no concept as perfection, perfection is unrealistic.

What can be done to help these women??

Is there any way??

For me, I think I need to learn to embrace the way God made me and live with it, to not think about how I can aim for perfection but to aim for what I'm meant to aim for...realism. I want to be counter cultural and do something that changes the minds of women.

I'm starting to get the feeling that God may be putting this on my heart!!

Fear...

Thinking about the future always seems a scary prospect for some. Me? Well, i know that my future is in the steady hand of God, so that should mean I'm not worried about it.

But me being me, I needlessly worry about my future as a secondary school teacher, I want to do this 3/4 week placement in a secondary school, and it sounds like a fantastic opportunity that will serve me well in the future, but that's just it, I don't think I could do it, I love the idea of finally being a secondary school teacher and of having a class and being settled but I never thought about the work , the sacrifices, the fear I'd have to go through to get to that place.

My naivety has once again taken over and the romantic notions about how easy it'll be to get to being an English teacher have taken me to a different place and now I've been taken back down to ground level and I'm scared. Scared that I won't be good at it, that it won't work etc.

My confidence at the moment is taking its usual battering, constantly challenging me and asking me whether if I should do this or do that? What will he/she think? Whether I can actually do this degree, sitting doing my essay I am increasingly aware of my sub standard language, never up to the standard I'd like.

Yet there's this reassuring voice telling me that this is what I'm meant to do and it is in God's plan. So why does fear take over so much of our lives, I know I am a culprit of it!?

Having faith in God should mean that all fear is taken away, so why is it that the world still manages to dig its claws in and rip that faith apart so often?

But you know what? Matthew had the right idea...

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34 (ESV)

I think The Message version puts it bluntly...

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Fear, don't let it take you, because a life half lived due to fear is no life at all.