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My head is going mental at the moment, so many things are happening and going on that my brain is physically frying as I try to think about every single thing. I'm analysing situations, worrying about future decisions, past decisions and I'm so so tired. But it's in these times that I am so grateful for God. He is my confident, the one I cry to and the one I can tell everything, from the most shameful to what I feel are the most proud moments. I'm learning more and more that people will always fail and disappoint you, but God never does and never will. He never makes me sad, never hurts me and is always there to listen. When I feel at my most vulnerable and feeling more alone than ever He is there. He is the comforting arm that wraps itself around me and the comforting voice that says "I am always here, I love you". No matter the hour, the problem or the state I'm in He is there and always will be. I can't tell you how amazing it is to have that. Without Him I am nothing, I would be even more of a state than I am currently and I wouldn't have the greatest friend in the world.
I love my God. In the torrent of emotions, He is my anchor and He is my peace. Nothing profound today folks, just a complete an utter thankful heart to my best friend for always being there and for being the greatest. I love God and I am so glad He loves me.
So as the previous blog stated I've been effected by the idea of being in anguish for God. It is so sad and yet so true that we have become desensitised and dare I say 'used to' the terrible things happening in the world around us. It is so easy now to detach ourselves from them, particularly if they are abroad and not happening to us, it can all just seem as though it is worlds apart. But as was brought up today, we need to be affected by it. We need to see injustice and ache for better, I want to watch the news and have a genuine heart for the people I see on it, not just a twang of sympathy. No, much more. It is a dangerous desire, to want to be ruined by God and to have a weeping heart for the evil in this world. I feel like I've got 'used to' seeing it all and shut myself away. I'm really good at running away from things; feelings, situations and procrastinating until it is just a faint memory; but after today I don't think I want that or can do that anymore. God has given us hearts to feel what He feels when He looks down at this world. "Break my heart, for what breaks yours", lyrics I've sung before but now they penetrate me and make me stop and genuinely want it. I want my heart to be so in tune with God's that when I see oppressed women or broken homes, I don't want to think of it as 'the norm' but I want to melt with the desperation for those situations, I want to ache and pray fervently for better. I want to long and weep and fight for better. It's dangerous and dare I say radical to want to live like that, but I want it. I will never feel anguish like Jesus did and that is the worst it could be. If you haven't already, check out David Wilkerson on Anguish: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMG_PVaJoIJeremiah wept for his city, he cried out to God to save his nation, his neighbours, to save them despite the evil in those places. I don't remember the last time I did that. I want to weep and wail for those that are hurting and broken and lost. Goodbye to my old heart of stone and hello heart of flesh.
Tom Shaw preached at City Church Canterbury today, a fantastic preach full of emotion and hard-hitting truth that left me and I'm sure others were deeply effected by such an incredible preach. To get a glimpse of some of the hard hitting stuff check out this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMG_PVaJoI To listen to Tom's preach (which is well worth it) check out the link below: http://www.thecitychurch.org.uk/downloads/audio/tccc_sun_101010.mp3
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
This is my prayer in the harvest
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow It doesn't matter what season of life you're in or what kind of week you've had, at the end of the day our worship is to do with God and how great He is, not how we feel. Worship should flow from our mouths no matter the situation, it's difficult but our God is worthy of praise 24/7!
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