Attitudes...

At the beginning of the week I blogged about seizing opportunities and making the most of the challenges that come your way and well, this week has proved to be a challenge and a half. It's been difficult to say the least, but ever the optimist it's all good practice and helps to build the character no doubt.

Truthfully this week's major battle has been with my attitude. A situation occurred that sparked off issues that I've had to deal with as a result. (Apologises for the ambiguity but I don't want to be naming and shaming.)

I hate talking about attitude because it always makes me feel like a grumpy teenager, but to be honest, our attitudes are important. I've struggled this week to keep my temper and to keep my frustration under control. I am rarely an angry person and I am not confrontational unless completely necessary, so when I say that this week I've struggled with anger and frustration it is more of an internal battle than anything else.

I find it so hard to cope with being helpless. This week I've had to bite my tongue and just deal with the fact that no matter how close you feel you are to someone, sometimes (or all the time as it currently feels) they just don't want to tell you what is wrong with them. I totally understand the whole 'bottling up thing' I've lived that way most of my life! But I still tell close friends the real things that are bothering me, not just because they want to help but because it's a release and shows that you trust and respect them when you're at your most vulnerable.

This week when a friend just pretended everything was alright and refused to admit anything was wrong it wound me up massively. Not only did it clearly affect her but it upset and affected me and how I lived on a daily basis. It's infuriating to know that I can't help, that if I'm the root of the problem I am making it worse by not knowing and I can't help stop the issue; it's infuriating because I care for them and want to help. My prayers seem weak and pathetic; "Please help so and so with whatever is wrong..." it just doesn't seem enough.

The anger soon subsided into feeling insulted and upset, feeling under appreciated and that our friendship is only a one-way street, and that I can't be trusted enough to help.

Needless to say that this week has drained me; struggling to maintain the right focus and I've had to keep coming back to God and asking for His help to straighten my attitude out. I'm still grappling with it now, and so I guess this blog does little to add to your daily readings other than to show you where I am right now.

Attitudes are important to get right, they effect your mood and how people perceive you. I know that this feeling of frustration and insult isn't going to go away from just blogging, or even from just having prayed a couple of times over the past week. This is one of those things that I need to pray about day in and day out. I need to battle it and face it head on, never forgetting or neglecting the power it can have over my life.

Serving...

Whilst having a casual conversation about church and serving I received a challenge to serve more. Although perhaps not the initial intention it struck a chord with me and I realised that my church is not benefiting from everything I have to offer.

At my home church I serve in several different areas and (in general) I'm on the main events if people need me. (Please don't misread this as a boasting blog believe me it is far from that.) But it occurred to me that serving is the one area I feel confident in. I come across as a confident, outgoing person but there is something I find so beautiful, humbling and rewarding from serving and going unnoticed. I was challenged therefore that being on one team isn't necessarily enough.

For the people that I care most about I would do almost anything for them, and likewise my church deserves the same mentality. Today I served on a children's team, and although from past experiences I have found it a little boring and repetitive I was reminded why I fell in love with it. It is a challenge undoubtedly, talking to younger children isn't my forte but there was something incredible about praying with them and trying to explain to them aspects of the Gospel. How do you explain grace to a 6 year old? Definitely something that will keep you on your toes.

Today I've been struck with what I can offer to God's church. God created me perhaps not with many talents but as I have been told, not all talents are those that are categorised in the arts and crafts. Some come in people skills, thinking outside the box, serving and teaching.

I'm starting to see (maybe a little late) that God wants me to do more, learn more, teach more and serve more. It's totally out of my comfort zone; scary and I'm not entirely sure I can do it, but at the end of the day I'd rather try hard for the kingdom and fail than sit back and regret my apathy.

I've talked the talk ... now it's time to walk the walk.

Seizing Opportunities...

A while ago I was given a prophecy/picture spoken over me:

"I had a picture of a tractor/combine harvester at harvesting time. I felt God give me two phrases in relation to you going back to uni. The first was 'the harvest is now' and the second was 'a season fruitfulness' I felt God say that seeds have been growing over your past two years at uni and that you should have faith and be expectant for these things to happen."

The season of harvesting has been difficult and I'm not entirely sure that I'm out of it yet, but I am beginning to see the seeds of a fruitful season starting to grow.

Today alone I've been presented with several opportunities to step out and get out of this box that I'm living in. Getting out of the comfort zone is something that I can imagine everyone can identify with, that first step is painful but once you're out it's GREAT!

I'm starting to see that God wants me living more dangerously than previously and that my current (and rather pathetic) safe lifestyle just isn't good enough. I've been blessed with opportunities to step out, and instead of backing out and backing down, I'm going to seize them! I'm fed up of wanting to be radical and not really reaching radical heights.

So, it is time to wake up and shake up my lifestyle and be RADICAL. Granted my kind of radical may not be yours but I just want to please God and live for Him.

These opportunities could flourish and fly or they could crash and burn, either way it's time to go with it and see where God takes me. God is my strength, my guide and my shelter. These opportunities that I have presented before me are for Him to use and I know they are His 'gentle' way of nudging me out of my comfort zone.

I'll let you know how it pans out.

Melancholy Mood...

I'm currently in one of those very pensive and melancholy moods. The sort of mood that Emos seem to be constantly stuck in, although I haven't decided to dye my hair and revert to teenage angst. (just yet)

I have however been lying on my bed thinking. A truly shocking activity I know! I'm staring at the guitar in front of me and the keyboard to the left of me and further to the left of me my sewing machine. I'm looking at all of these things and finally waking myself up to the fact that I don't have a clue about any of them (not really anyway).

I'm no dancer, singer, musician, artist or intellectual. I'm not 'a jack of all trades and master of none', I think I probably fall into the category where I might be good at something, but I'm not sure what that something is right now. I can write-I think that is my one saving grace, but writing for pleasure seems to have become this teenage angst/super emotional and ridiculous talent that no-one actually cares about and no-one wants to read. (I think you can see my mood by now!)

So I began the self-pitying road with a whole load of miserable along the way and I came to the conclusion that I don't have any talents and nothing really worthy of telling people. I think at one point I said I am pretty worthless and then questioned why I was even made. (Ok maybe there is slight angst there) but through the melodrama I heard a faint voice.

"I made you in MY image. You are worth something to me."

"Why do you need to have visible talents that have to be acknowledged?"

"You are MY daughter. I drew up specific plans for you."

Then I was reminded of an event that had happened earlier in the day...

My housemate phoned me to say that a baby bird had fallen from its nest and died in our drive, could I sort it out etc. Not a particularly nice memory until I was reminded that

"Not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without the Father knowing it...you are more valuable than a whole flock of sparrows." Matthew (NLT).

So although my melancholy has not completely lifted, I know that God created me for a purpose. Unfortunately I forget that beautiful and encouraging truth sometimes and need Him to gently nudge me and remind me that I am not worthless and that I am His. That alone should be enough. I maybe talentless but on the brightside it means I don't have any talents to get in the way of serving God-so I He ultimately gets more of me!!

Worrying sucks life away...

April has been and gone and I seem to be blogging all the less these days.

The dissertation is finally in as well as the multitude of other paperwork but there is still no rest as exams are but a few days away and yet through it all I feel...calm.

I don't know that it is in my 'old' age that I've become more laid back or whether I have developed a subconscious knowledge that my life is in better hands, either way I'm chilled.

We need a house mate for next year and time is running out...but I'm relaxed, exams are about a week away and third year is nearly over...but still I'm calm.

Here I am blogging away when revision should be the primary target and focus and yet I am peaceful.

I am not passive or unbothered, for exams and future plans are important to me but in the grand scheme of things worrying gets you nowhere.

I have a God that has quite happily taken it upon himself to eradicate the need to worry and has given me the opportunity instead to focus on Him.

Worrying sucks life away.

Ten minutes worrying could have been ten minutes spent being productive.

Speaking of which I should really get back to this revision.

Just a little thought to keep your brains ticking.

Advice and the Bigger Picture...

I've come to the library to do revision and I find myself in a pensive mood with a mind that is a million miles from my work. It's been a challenging night and it is by no means over. I've done a lot of listening tonight; taking in facts and listening to feelings and opinions.

I don't proclaim to be an excellent advice giver or to be particularly wise, but when a friend is need all my insecurities go out the window and I will help them no matter.

It's incredible how we are such a small part of a massive picture that God has for us. One major slip up in my life has not been allowed to go to waste, God is using it even now to enable me to advice others not to make the same mistakes. I am currently seeing it repeating itself in front of my very eyes, and I am pretty helpless to stop it. However, my experience allows me to shed some light on the situation and allow the person to feel like they are not alone. I find it difficult not to come across passive when I'm giving advice. I don't want to condemn, judge or speak harsh words to others for that will just push them further into rebellion and further away from the love that I can give.

If I can help just one person through my 'scarring' experiences then I guess it is worth it, it shows just one glimpse of God's bigger picture.